


Take Two

by ContraryNonsense



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Evan Gets a Do-Over, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m So Original, M/M, More Fluff Than Originally Intended, Suicidal Ideation, Time Travel, self-depreciation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2019-10-08 04:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 20,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContraryNonsense/pseuds/ContraryNonsense
Summary: Filled with regret, Evan Hansen searches for anything he can find on Connor Murphy, to keep his memory alive. He wishes more than anything for a second chance to make everything right.But that’s impossible.So he would be forever haunted by the memory of the friend he never had, left alone to nurse his growing obsession with someone who had just wanted someone to answer when he reached out, only no one came. Not until it was too late.Until suddenly it wasn’t.





	1. Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! It’s a, been a long time since I’ve posted anything on here. ^.^’ For those of you who are user subscriptions and were hoping for an update to some of my unfinished stuff, I’m so sorry! I’m trying to get back into the swing of things and I am planning on updating Distorted and Window to the Soul soon. I just needed something unrelated to get the old writing gears moving again.
> 
> I’ve been a big fan of DEH for a while now, but I finally saw the show live this week and had to write something. So, I present my variation out of many of Evan time traveling! (The first chapter is a bit short compared to the ones that will come later.)
> 
> Enjoy!

Evan flopped down onto his bed with a weary sigh. Almost without thought, as if out of habit, his head rolled over to stare at the wall to his left, which in the last year or so had become filled with paper after paper. Each one was different. Letters, pictures, newspaper clippings, pages of notes; all with one thing in common: Connor Murphy. 

Connor Fucking Murphy. 

Connor Murphy who had simultaneously ruined and fixed his life when he died. 

The spiraling lies, the crippling guilt, the loss of anything resembling friends or reputation. He had lost everything he once had been so desperate for. He was noticed, but for all the wrong reasons. Yet, at the same time, he got what he needed. He learned to live with himself, to be honest, regain his relationship with his mother. He learned how to finally breathe and see the sky. 

All because of Conner Murphy.

So, he had decided to spend as much effort as he could to learn about him, to make sure he was never forgotten, to make sure he didn’t disappear. He started by reading the ten books he had once posted in a list online. After that he scoured the internet, yearbooks, _anything_ he could find to learn just a little bit more about Connor. He wrote pages of notes, pages of letters both to himself and Connor, trying to remember anything he had been told by the Murphys, doing his best to ignore the fabrications he himself had made up that became warped into his personal reality. He did this until his entire wall was covered in what he found. 

But it wasn’t enough.

It would never be enough.

Connor Murphy was dead and gone, and had never felt how much he would be missed. Never knew how much people actually did care. And he never would. And Evan would do anything to go back in time, before all of this happened, to have a second chance to make it right. Maybe, if things had been just a bit different, maybe if he, or anyone had reached out, maybe Connor would still be alive. 

But that was impossible. 

So he would be forever haunted by the memory of the friend he never had, left alone to nurse his growing obsession with someone who had just wanted someone to answer when he reached out, only no one came. Not until it was too late. 

He fell asleep as he lay there, swimming in regrets, in what ifs.  
  


* * *

  
He blinked, looking around at the white space he was surrounded by in confusion. He jumped as someone spoke behind him.

“Heya Hansen. Pretty jumpy aren’t ya?”

Evan spun around, breathing heavily, only to relax when he saw who was behind him: Connor Murphy. It was going to be one of those dreams. 

Connor gave a short, two finger salute. He seemed almost nervous, which was kinda odd, but Evan supposed there was nothing normal about having a dream conversation with your imagined version of a dead classmate. It had been a long time though, the last time had been before he had broken down and finally told the truth to the Murphys. Evan returned the salute with a small wave. 

“...Hey?”

“...Hi.”

The silence became rather uncomfortable as Evan shifted from one foot to another, wondering what was happening. Connor was definitely rather nervous, which was confusing, and Evan had no idea what to say. Which, what else was new, but normally dream Connor had very strong opinions, even if they were just rooted in his own subconscious. Finally Connor took a deep breath, as if mentally preparing himself, and started to speak.

“Okay, so hear me out.”

...Well that’s an interesting way to start. Evan nodded slowly, confusion growing.

“So, like, you kinda did some real fucked up shit, but like you started out with okay intentions? I think? And honestly I think in the long run you _did_ help, somewhat. Like the whole thing with my sister was super weird and kinda creepy but I can’t judge when it comes to social interaction so whatever I guess, and you did tell the fucking truth in the end so that’s good, I think. And... and you’re the only one who hasn’t truly given up on me. Forgotten... me. And I think maybe, if it’s you, maybe you could make me listen and maybe even keep me from doing something ridiculously stupid, so like-” Connor rambled.

Evan blinked. Was this what _he_ was like when he was nervously rambling? Jesus, his mom is a saint. “Connor,” he interrupted. Connor’s mouth shut from where he was planning to continue spewing words. “The uh, forgiveness? I think? Is nice and all, I guess that means some part of me has stopped hating myself so much so that’s nice, but uh, where is this going?”

“Right. That.” He took another deep breath. “If you could go back, if do-overs were a thing, would you?”

He didn’t even need to think twice. 

“In a heartbeat.”

Connor clapped his hands together. “I’m so glad to hear you say that, cause this is your chance! You’ll only get the one so don’t blow it. For either of us.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Oh and, I won’t remember any of this, so be patient, yeah?” Connor smiled sadly. “I was... not in a good place. I’ll probably lash out and be real aggressive, but please... just keep trying.”

“Seriously, w-what’s happening, I’m s-super confused here,” Evan stammered, taking a step forward. He was starting to panic a bit. 

“We’re getting a second chance. So Evan?”

“....Y-Yeah?”

“Don’t let me disappear.”

And before he could answer, the floor shattered and he was falling. He might have yelled, but it was sucked away by the void he spiraled into, as he watched the sad smile of Connor Murphy rapidly grow smaller and smaller.

Then he woke up.

He shot up in bed with a shout, breathing heavily. His eyes nervously darted around his room. It looked pretty similar, except his wall full of papers had vanished, leaving only an old national park poster behind. But, that’s.... Evan breathed out harshly as he went to run his hand through his hair, only to stop when it was significantly heavier than normal. He looked down to find an empty white cast glaring back at him.

He stopped breathing. That was impossible. He started to shake as the dream rushed through his head. Was... was he actually back? He couldn’t breathe. Oh God, he couldn’t breathe. This was too much. He hadn’t had a panic attack in months, what was he supposed to be doing? Oh right, _breathing_. Which he currently _couldn’t do_.

His mom burst into the room. 

“I heard a yell, are you oka-” Heidi stopped mid-sentence, taking in her son. “Evan! Oh dear, it’s okay, I’m here, just breathe.” She rushed forward and wrapped herself around him, continuing a stream of comfort as she rubbed his back, trying to calm him down. Eventually Evan found himself able to breathe at a semblance of normalcy, and he had stopped shaking. Heidi pulled away, but stayed close.

“...Do you want to talk about it?” She tentatively asked. Evan stared at her for a sec, before shaking his head.

“No, it was just a b-bad dream. I-I... don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Okay. If you say so. Do you think you can go to school today? I can call in for you if you think you can’t manage it. It is the first day of your senior year, but I understand if you need a mental health day.”

“NO!” He shouted, surprising both of them with his vehemence. He coughed with embarrassment. He tried again at a normal level. “No, it’s okay. I can go.” Heidi beamed in response.

“That’s my trooper! Okay, I’ll let you get ready then. Don’t forget to write your letter, I scheduled an appointment with Dr. Sherman after school. I know you have one on Thursday, but I thought that with the stress of a new year it might be good to have one a bit earlier.”

“...Alright, yeah. Sure.”

“And please try to order some food tonight? I know you don’t like making phone calls, but you can do everything online now! And that’s a lot easier yeah?”

“...Yeah. I will.” He offered a tentative smile. He still probably wouldn’t do it. Fuck phones. And answering doors. Heidi's smile briefly dipped into a line, before it came back with more tension. 

“And hey, why don’t you bring a sharpie and try to get people to sign your cast? That would be a great conversation starter!” She tried. Evan jolted and looked down at he cast. He blinked and for a moment saw large, black letters filling up the space. He looked up, eyes full of a determination that startled Heidi into losing her smile. 

“You know mom, I think I will.”


	2. Day One Take Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan tries to not make Connor fly into a rage this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you for the comments and kudos, I really appreciate it. ^.^ 
> 
> I’ve never quite got why people portray Connor as perpetually antagonistic and mean. Like the computer lab interaction was awkward but actually pretty nice until the letter set his temper and paranoia off. So my portrayal of Connor might come off as a bit soft at times, because I view him as honestly trying when he doesn’t feel like he’s being attacked. He will still have his explosions tho.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

Evan awkwardly fixed his backpack strap as he shut his locker. He felt all kinds of wrong and fidgety. It felt so weird to be back in school, going through the motions as if he hadn’t been graduated for almost half a year. 

Alana had already come and gone like a whirlwind, giving the exact same speech as last time, and Evan had managed to get as many words in edgewise as before. Already a great start to his second chance. None of this felt real yet. And he still wasn’t sure if it wasn’t some bizarre dream. But he could read and tell time, and that meant it wasn’t a dream right? _Right?_

Lost in thought, Evan jumped as Jared’s voice cut into the air. 

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm jerking off, or do you consider it an honor?”

“Fuck, don’t do that Jared! And no, that’s not what happened!” He defended. Jared snorted.

“Uh-huh, sure. So, paint me a picture. You’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird off-brand phone-”

“Knock it off Jared, that’s not what happened! I don’t even like her anymore!” Evan snapped. Jared blinked in surprise, before settling into a look of disbelief. 

“Really? You no longer like Zoe Murphy? _You_?” He drawled sarcastically. 

“No, I don’t, so knock it off!”

Well, he wasn’t lying. Mostly. There was probably some part of him that will always like Zoe, just a little, but just in that first love kind of way. Over time his feelings had finally faded, and the overwhelming guilt made it far too hard to consider dating her again, even now that he technically had a second chance with her. Plus, at some point he had realized that he hadn’t loved Zoe just for being herself, but more of the ideal she represented. And then the fact that she was willing to be with the mess that was him. 

“Whatever you say man,” Jared said, putting his hands up in surrender. “You wanna come over today? My mom has been getting on my case about how she never sees you, and I really don’t need her to stop paying my car insurance.”

Wow, he forgot how much that hurt. Evan sighed. “Look, Jared, you can tell your mom we hung out at school or whatever. I don’t care. But I’ve got therapy and some other stuff today, so no.”

“Whatever man, I don’t actually care.” Jared perked up as he noticed someone down the hall. “Hey Connor, loving the new hair length! Very school-shooter-chic!” 

Evan froze, and turned around as the world went just a bit muffled around him. Connor. It was Connor. Alive, and breathing, and pissed. And Evan could almost laugh in his relief. Except he couldn’t seem to breathe. Also this would be like the worst time to laugh because that really hadn’t ended well last time. He managed to take in air and refocus as Connor spoke.

“Yeah, I know. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” He took a menacing step forward. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?!” Jared backed up.

“You’re such a freak!” He quipped as he turned to walk away. Evan found himself speaking before he knew what words were gonna come out of his mouth. 

“F-f-fuck off, Jared! You don’t have to in-insult people for the sake o-of your own self-esteem!” 

Both Connor and Jared whipped their heads to look at him, and Evan couldn’t figure out who was more shocked: Connor, Jared, or himself. Connor let out a surprised bark of laughter and Jared’s face twisted into a scowl.

“What the hell man? Why are you defending fucking Connor Murphy!?” He snapped. And the anger that had been swirling in Evan reared back up and came spewing out his mouth. 

“Because I d-don’t need someone to pay f-f-for my car insurance for me to be a decent hu-human being!”

Something like shame flickered across Jared’s face before returning to anger. “Well then fuck you! Enjoy sucking off your druggie boyfriend’s dick, since he’s apparently so much better than me! Don’t come running to me when he stabs you!” He spat, then stormed away. Evan watched him go before turning and meeting eyes with Connor, who was looking at him as if he had three heads. Evan was proud to say he managed to hold that eye contact for about five seconds before he had to look away and start playing with the hem of his shirt. 

“Um, I-I’m s-s-sorry about J-Jared. He’s kind of an ass, but I-I think he’s actually joking? Most o-of the time?”

“Why did you do that?” Connor abruptly said instead, continuing to stare at Evan. 

“D-do what?”

“Stand up for me. Why bother?”

And for once in his life Evan didn’t struggle to find words, or stumble over his sounds. 

“Because you didn’t deserve it,” he stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Connor froze, and after a few stretched moments of silence Evan could feel his nerves building and he did what he always did when he was nervous: talk.

“Um, well I mean I-I know people say lots of things about you, but I don’t think they’re t-true? I mean, I don’t really know you all that well, but you’ve never been particularly m-m-mean to _me_ , and I know how much it hurts to have people say things about you that aren’t true, and I wanted to help, even if just a little and I’msosorryyouprobablydidn’tevenneedmetogetinvolved-”

“Shut up,” Connor snapped, though it lacked any real heat. Evan clicked his mouth shut. Connor seemed to struggle with words for a second, before mumbling a quiet, “...Thanks.”

Evan broke into a wide smile. “No problem!” He chirped, and for some reason Connor made a choked noise before hurrying away with a quiet “see ya” that Evan almost missed. But he caught it, and he smiled just a little bit wider.

Well. That certainly went better than the first time.  
  


* * *

  
Connor was many things. He was scarily short tempered, he broke everything he fucking touched, and was overall pretty batshit crazy, according to himself and every other fucking person in the world. However one thing he had never been accused of was being a coward. But now he could add that to the growing list of what was wrong with him, because he ran.

He 100% fucking ran. 

From Evan fucking _Hansen_. 

The anxious boy in blue who stuttered and panicked his way through every situation. Who had for some reason decided he was worth the social anxiety of defending him from who he was pretty sure was Evan’s only friend (and now he’s not quite sure if that title was the most accurate). Who had looked at him like he wasn’t a fucking monster.

Like he _mattered_.

And fuck if he knew how to deal with that. And that fucking smile? That had sucker punched him in the gut. It was bright, and warm, and adorable; and he couldn’t remember the last time _anyone_ had looked at him like that. And he couldn’t handle it.

Because Connor Murphy and emotions were not a great combination. 

So he ran. But even as he ran he was left with an abnormal warmth in his chest. A weird twitch in his lips. And it wasn’t until third period that he realized what it was. 

He was happy.

Not like, ecstatic or anything, but definitely happy, even just a tiny bit. And he couldn’t remember the last time he had felt legitimately happy. Real happiness, not just bitter satisfaction or a drug induced forgetting of his problems. Which, that’s fucking sad now that he’s realized it. 

And as much as he deserves that, because he’s a monster who doesn’t deserve to be happy, he can’t help but want to cling desperately to that feeling, that tiny bit of happiness. Because he’s a mess of a person who will take any bit of light in his life. So at lunch time he decides to find Evan fucking Hansen. 

Because maybe then he can cling to that feeling just a little bit longer.  
  


* * *

  
Evan swiveled around in the computer lab chair, debating what to do. Last time Connor had found him here and signed his cast before freaking out over the letter. He was hoping to make it go better this time around and maybe invite Connor to join him for lunch. But the question was, should he write the letter? And if he did what should he write? 

His head space was so different from the last time he had sat there. He was fine with not being seen, someone like him probably shouldn’t be. And he certainly didn’t have all his hopes pinned on Zoe anymore. If anything one could argue they were all pinned on her brother. But FUCK if he was going to write _that_. Especially if Connor was going to _read_ it. If seeing his sister’s name had set him off God knows what seeing his _own_ name would do. 

Evan gave one last spin and faced the open document on the computer. He probably should write something. He did have a therapy session later. He decided to go a somewhat more positive approach this time.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day, and here’s why. Today you managed to actually stand up for someone, and for you that’s pretty damn impressive. It’s about time you learned to do something right._

_And who knows, maybe you can actually make a friend? God knows you need one of those. Because Jared probably won’t even associate with you as a family friend for the sake of his car insurance anymore. But Connor doesn’t seem like the type to be someone’s friend for reasons like that._

_Assuming he wants to be your friend. Because honestly who would want to be your friend? YOU don’t want to be your friend. But that’s alright. Maybe if you stay positive and keep lying to yourself it’ll get better one day._

_Sincerely,_  
_Your best and most dearest friend,_  
_Me_

...Well that devolved fast. Dr. Sherman was going to have a field day with this. But it was decidedly less like a suicide note than the last one. And would hopefully not freak out Connor this time. So he hit print and leaned back in his chair with a sigh, closing his eyes. 

“So. Uh, what happened to your arm?”

Evan startled and yelped as his sudden movement made the chair fall over with him in it. He hissed in pain as he tried to orient his vision on the ground. At least he had managed to avoid landing on his broken arm. 

“Oh shit, I’m sorry! Are you okay?” Came the panicked voice to his right as someone tried to help him sit up. When the stars cleared he looked over to see Connor Murphy’s face about half a foot from his, and inexplicably felt his face heat up. Wow he had pretty eyes. Wait what? 

“Um... I-I’m okay, I think. Thank you.”

“You sure? Fuck, sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“No! No it’s fine, I’m easily scared.”

“So I’ve noticed.”

Evan just let out a weak chuckle. They sat in awkward silence for a second before Connor seemed to realize they were still on the floor and weirdly close. He looked away as he helped Evan stand, and it crossed his mind that Connor might be _embarrassed_. Huh. They continued to stand in awkward silence for a moment before Evan felt his nerves compelling him to break the silence.

“...Hi?”

Wow. Way to go Evan, ten out of ten best opening statement. He mentally face-palmed. Connor let out a soft snort.

“...Hi.” His eyes glanced around before landing on Evan’s cast. “So...what happened?”

Evan glanced down and his mind flashed back to that night in the summer when letting go had seemed like the best option. When he had just wanted to vanish, because no one would notice. Hoping his emotions weren’t showing on his face he tacked on a nervous smile.

“I, uh, f-fell from a tree.”

“You fell from a tree,” Connor repeated as if he didn’t quite believe him. Evan shifted his weight and pulled on on his shirt hem. “Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” 

Evan nodded with a nervous chuckle. Connor looked back at the cast. 

“No one’s signed it.”

“No, I...I know.”

“I’ll sign it. You got a sharpie?”

Evan scrambled to pull the fresh sharpie from his pocket. He handed it over with a stammered “Y-y-you d-don’t have to If-f you don’t w-want to!” Connor just gave him a look and grabbed his cast, pulling it closer to him roughly. Evan gave a whimper of pain and Connor flashed him an apologetic glance. Evan watched almost entranced as those familiar black letters filled up half his cast. It felt like some missing hole was being filled.

When he was done Connor stepped back and closed the sharpie, offering it back gruffly. Evan stared at the name breathlessly for another moment before looking up with another bright smile and taking the sharpie back. 

“Thank you!”

Once more Connor made a slight strangled noise that confused Evan. Connor’s eyes looked around at anything besides Evan before landing on the paper that had fluttered to the floor when he went to help him off the floor. Clearing his throat he picked it up and held it. 

“Um, this is yours right? ‘Dear Evan Hansen...’ that’s you right?”

Evan nodded and went to grab it only for Connor to jerk it away and bring it closer to read. 

“H-hey! I n-need that! It’s for my therapist!” Evan stammered, blushing to his ears. He knew this would happen, but it didn’t make it less embarrassing. He hoped that by mentioning his therapist early it would curb any immediate anger from Connor. 

Connor for his part was staring fixated on the paper, his face going through an interesting array of emotions. It started confused, with a touch of anger, before quickly shifting to neutral, concern, back to anger, surprised, and rounding off at noticeably concerned again. 

Evan found himself so distracted by watching how Connor’s face rapidly changed expressions that he startled slightly when Connor looked up sharply from the paper at him. He seemed to be struggling with words, and Evan felt his ears start to burn at how intensely Connor was staring. Eventually, he spoke.

“This is for therapy?”

“U-um, yeah. I have to write letters to myself about the, the good parts of the day. Some days are-are a bit hard.” Evan felt his expression go dark, thinking about the last time he wrote this letter, before shaking it off and putting on a cheery smile again. ”But today was actually pretty easy to write! All things c-considered I think the day has, um, been pretty good-d.” 

Connor continued staring at him before holding his hand out in a clear request for something. Evan looked at the extended palm in confusion before tentatively putting his hand on Connor’s, as though he was a dog being asked to shake. Connor quickly shook it off and a light blush dusted his cheeks. 

“No! Sharpie! I... wanted to see your sharpie again.”

Blushing profusely at his mistake ( _of course he wasn’t asking for your hand you stupid-_ ), Evan pulled the sharpie once more out of his pocket and handed it over. Connor jotted something onto his letter before handing both it and the sharpie back. Evan took both and glanced down to see what was written and realized it was a phone number.

Connor Murphy had given him his number.

Evan looked up in a blend of awe and confusion and Connor pointedly avoided his gaze. 

“Um. If...if you ever need to talk or something. I... wouldn’t be against... being friends.”

“Really??” Evan could help but exclaim. This... this was going infinitely better than it had last time. He couldn’t believe it. 

“...Yeah.” Connor scratched his ear as he continued to avoid the happy gaze of Evan. “Well then, uh, see you later I guess...” he mumbled as he turned to leave. 

“Wait!” Evan cried out. Connor startled and looked back. Evan looked down and started playing with his shirt hem before looking back up nervously. “Um, d-do you maybe, poss-sibly, wa-want to, um, h-have lunch with m-m-me?”

Connor was again staring at him as if he had three heads. He back-pedaled as fast as he could.

“I-I mean o-only if you want to of course! Don’t feel like yo-u ha-have to j-just because I w-want to b-b-be friends! Itotallyunderstandthatbeingwithmecanbealotsodon’tevenworryaboutit-!”

“Hansen!” Connor once again interrupted. He smiled softly and Evan found the words that were barely being contained suddenly getting sucked away along with his breath as he stared. The soft grin turned a bit teasing. “Shut up.” 

Connor moved back into the room and righted the chair that was on its side before flopping into it. He quirked an eyebrow when Evan made no move, still standing in place. “Are we having lunch or what?” 

Evan jolted, then gave the most honest smile he had given in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this is literally a repeat of the first day, sorry if some of it seems over used. The following chapters will start to diverge more obviously from the original story. Because, you know, Connor doesn’t die this time.


	3. Deafening Static

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor’s day starts out good, then goes downhill fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When it’s hard to write a chapter because your brain is already writing the next one.
> 
> I will mention now that this will have a very inconsistent update schedule, as right now I am on my winter break from college, and when I go back it will be my final semester so updates might slow a bit when that happens.
> 
> This chapter is purely focused on Connor! Next chapter will be mostly Evan, but this is not a pattern, just coincidence.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: anger and depressive episode, something resembling a panic attack (though it’s not quite?), suicidal ideation, and self-hate. If these bother you PLEASE BE SAFE!
> 
> The next chapter is practically writing itself so hopefully will be posted a bit sooner than this one.
> 
> Enjoy!

Connor sat and watched in something that was scarily close to contentment as Evan rambled next to him about trees. _Trees_. And he actually found himself _caring_. Regardless, he watched Evan gesture enthusiastically as his eyes lit up. It was fucking adorable. And as long as that thought stayed on the _inside_ , then all was good. Damn his gay as fuck ass. He’d spoken to this kid a grand total of twice and already he wanted to take him home to cuddle.

But could he be blamed? 

Every moment, every word out of his mouth, every look. Not once was there an ounce of judgement or fear (well, not of _him_ at least). Instead there was joy, and trust, and honest-to-God care. For him. For the fucked up trash of of a being that was Connor Murphy. Evan viewed him as if he was a person. Someone with value and purpose. 

As a human. 

Not a monster.

And Connor would do anything to just sit forever listening to the happy ramblings and be blinded by the actual sun in his smile. And it was there because of _him_. And it was the best feeling he had felt in years. 

And of course it was shattered as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. 

Connor scowled, then got up with a sigh. He really, _really_ , didn’t want to go to class. Especially now. He’ll probably just skip and try to dwell in this feeling a little longer before he had to go home. 

“U-um!”

Connor blinked and turned around to find a once again nervous Evan picking at his cast. Connor enjoyed seeing his name all over it, though he did wonder if maybe it had been a bit... much. But Evan had seemed pretty pleased with it so whatever. 

“I-I really enjoyed having lunch w-with you. Maybe... maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?” Evan looked up with a hopeful face and Connor felt himself melt a little. God he was fucked. 

“...Yeah Hansen, I’ll see ya tomorrow.”

Evan beamed and waved as he ran off toward what Connor assumed was his next class. Connor watched him go, a smile ghosting his lips. That smile lasted even as he walked out the school doors and debated what he felt like doing. 

He could get high, like he usually did, but his supply was starting to run low and honestly he didn’t feel like trying to forget his feelings for once. He could go for a drive, but Zoe would get pissed, and tell his parents, and that would devolve into a massive shit-show. Which, hard pass. His day was not entirely shitty for once, he didn’t feel like fucking it up with Larry’s bullshit and Zoe’s bitchiness. Which left finding someplace to hide and taking a nap. 

That in mind, Connor turned to the right and headed for the wooded area behind their school. Technically it was fenced off and students weren’t allowed back there, but he didn’t give a flying fuck. 

With well practiced movements he scaled the chain-link fence and dropped down on the other side. He wandered into the foliage and made his way past the trees, only stopping when he came to a clearing that he discovered sometime around sophomore year. 

With a sigh he plopped down next to a large tree on the other side of the clearing that always somehow proved to be comfier than expected and closed his eyes, relaxing and letting himself fall asleep until he had to wake up and drive home with his sister. As sleep took him, he let warm smiles and nervous stutters fill his thoughts.  
  


* * *

  
Connor woke to the ringing of his phone and sat up with a groan, rubbing at a kink in his neck. He pulled out his phone and glared at the name on the screen.

Zoe.

With a resigned sigh he answered with a flippant “What?” as he stood and grabbed his backpack.

“Where the fuck are you!? School let out like 20 minutes ago! I swear to God if you ditched school to go get high-” yelled the voice on the other end of the speaker. Connor felt what was left of his good mood rapidly dwindling and a scowl cemented itself on his face.

“Fuck off, I did not go get high! I’ll be there in a fucking second, calm the fuck down,” he growled. He ended the call before Zoe could give a nasty comeback. He deftly climbed back over the fence and made his way over to the senior parking lot, where he spotted his irate sister fuming by their car. 

Then she spotted him.

“Fucking finally!” She exclaimed as he got closer. He flipped her off and unlocked the car, climbing into the driver’s seat. She followed into the passenger seat and gave him an unsubtle glance over. “Well, you don’t seem high. What were you fucking doing then?”

Connor aggressively turned the key in the emission. “Did it occur to you I might be with a friend?” 

“You? What friends? You don’t have any friends.” She snorted derisively. He felt anger start to bubble in his stomach. So the very idea of him having friends was laughable? He roughly pulled out and sped out of the parking lot, driving toward the second hellhole in his life: home.

“Fuck you! I have friends!” Well. A friend. And they literally only became friends today. But the point stood. 

“I’ll believe that when I see it!”

“Fuck off!”

They sat in fuming silence the rest of the ride. When Connor pulled up to the house Zoe didn’t even bother waiting until the car fully stopped before she was getting out of the car and slamming the door behind her. Connor slammed his door just as aggressively and trailed after his sister. He heard her door slam shut as he walked in and closed the door behind him. As he headed towards the stairs Cynthia walked out of the kitchen.

“What happened? Is Zoe alright?”

“Of course, focus on fucking Zoe.”

“Hey,” she frowned. “Language young man.”

“I’ll be in my _fucking_ room,” he growled belligerently. He stormed into his room, ignoring the scolding of his mother behind him. It was only once the door was shut and he had flopped onto his bed that he let out a weary groan.

God, and he had been having something approaching what could be called a good day. True the morning had been as shitty as normal, but the actual school day had been almost... pleasant. 

Count on his family to ruin that. 

He knew he was a piece of shit, he didn’t need them bringing it up every 5 minutes to remind him. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone? It would be more pleasant for everyone involved. Zoe could focus on being the perfect child, Cynthia could focus on all her weird fads and not try to smother him, and Larry could pretend he never had a son that was a disappointment in every possible way. And he would get a chance to breathe.

...Or at least drown in his brokenness in peace. 

He flopped over and stared at the faded glow in the dark stars on his ceiling that had been there since he was 4. They were something of a familiar comfort, and he spent many a sleepless night just staring at them and counting, over and over. It helped quiet some of the noise in his head. 

He pulled out his earphones and made himself comfortable. He might as well get more sleep in, he had the sinking feeling dinner wasn’t going to be a fun affair (not that it ever was), and that usually left him struggling for sleep later.  
  


* * *

  
Connor was once again woken up by Zoe, as she pounded on his door. He groaned, and she must have heard it, because a curt “Dinner,” came through. He laid there for another minute, already feeling drained and tense. Eventually he managed to drag his limbs off the bed and trudge down the stairs. He’d tried before to just avoid coming to dinner period. 

It just made things worse.

So there he sat, scowling at some strange vegan lasagna (courtesy of his mother’s most recent obsession), pushing it around his plate. The air was tense as Cynthia attempted to ask how everyone’s days were. 

Connor tuned out as Zoe started babbling about how auditions were coming up for the next jazz band concert, and refused to even register any words that came out of Larry’s mouth. He continued poking at his questionable lasagna, wondering if he could get away from the table without having to eat it, when he registered that it had gone quiet.

He looked up to see everyone looking at him expectantly. Shit he missed something. 

“...What?” He scowled, trying to hide the anxiety that had sprouted in his stomach. Cynthia’s forced smile became even tenser and quivered slightly, and Larry’s face dropped into a disappointed frown.

What else was new.

“Would it kill you to pay attention?” Larry barked.

“Possibly,” was Connor’s sarcastic response. Larry opened his mouth, probably to berate him again, when Cynthia cut him off.

“I asked how your day was sweetie.”

“...Normal.”

She watched him for a second, clearly waiting for him to expound. When it was clear no more words were forthcoming, she seemed to wilt. 

“Really? And what does normal mean for you? Getting high in some God-forsaken bathroom?” Larry sneered. Connor bristled.

“I didn’t get high!”

“You were high this morning!”

“Well fuck you, because I didn’t get high at school! What does it tell you when I need to be high to deal with this fucking family and not at school?”

“That’s right, because you have _friends_ at school, huh Connor?” Zoe broke in sarcastically. Everyone’s heads whipped to her, Connor going rigid.

“What... do you mean sweetie?” Cynthia questioned. Connor internally cringed at the shock and hope in her voice. Was the idea of him and friends really _that_ hard to imagine?

“Well apparently Connor has such _amazing friends_ that he shows up twenty minutes late to drive us home.”

“Oh that’s wonderful sweetie! I mean you should warn your sister, but I’m happy for you!” Cynthia enthused, turning to stare at him. Connor shrunk in his seat, entire body still tense.

“What kind of friends are they?” Larry asked, his tone critical.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Connor snarled.

“Do they also do drugs?”

“What, so the only fucking friends I could possibly have are stoners!?”

“Well, you know the saying, birds of a feather...” Zoe snorted. 

“Fuck you! Evan’s not-!” Connor stopped short, realizing his mistake. Zoe sat up straight and looked at him in disbelief.

“Evan? Do you mean Evan _Hansen_?”

“Got a problem with that?!” Connor snapped.

“Yeah, that it’s a fucking lie! Evan Hansen would never be friends with _you_!”

Connor felt like he got shot, air catching in his chest.

“Zoe!” Cynthia exclaimed, warning in her voice.

“What? It’s true! Evan Hansen is a ball of nerves that has a panic attack when the teacher remotely calls on him! Connor couldn’t even be in the same room as him without scaring him off!”

“...Fuck you,” Connor whispered. Zoe turned to look at him.

“What was that asshole!?”

“I SAID FUCK YOU!” Connor exploded, shooting out of his chair and making it clatter over behind him as he slammed his hands on the table. 

“Sit back down young man!” Larry snapped. Connor shot him a livid glare and instead pushed away from the table, storming for the front door. He distantly heard his name being yelled behind him, but his ears had become filled with static. 

He hadn’t even registered grabbing his keys until he was in the car and speeding away from his house. 

His vision was darkening around the edges, and the heavy beating of his heart joined the static in his ears. 

He found himself slamming to a halt when he reached the old park that had fallen into disrepair and was generally avoided by families with small children. He sat in his car breathing harshly before screaming in frustration and slamming his horn, the sound almost covering the sound of his thoughts.

_Look at you, they’re right. Who would ever want to be around you? You just scream and break and lash out. You’re a disappointment. Your father regrets you, your mother cries every time she looks at you, and your own sister HATES you. How could you possibly be loved._

_You’re a monster._

He scrambled out of his car gasping for air and digging his hands into his hair, yanking hard. 

_You’re a MESS, less than human. Can’t even get through a dinner with your own family without having a fit. How do you expect to keep someone like Evan around?_

He needed to smoke. He needed to make it _stop_. As he charged back into the car and desperately started searching for something, _anything_ , to make it all disappear, he vaguely realized he was crying. 

_Can’t even function without being completely drugged up._

His searching grew more frantic as he failed to find the weed he stashed in an old glasses case in the back of the glove compartment. Had he already used it? Then his hand hit something plastic that rattled. He inhaled sharply and slowly pulled it out with a shaky hand. 

A bottle of pain killers.

The world around him went muffled. All he could hear was the voice in his head, no longer screaming at him, but whispering seductively.

_Go ahead. It’ll make everything so much easier._

The car door shut.

_You’ll be out of their way, they can be happy without you ruining everything._

His feet were moving.

_Everything will finally stop._

He was beneath the old oak tree. 

_You’ll be F R E E._

He twisted off the cap.

 _DO IT._  
.  
.  
.

His phone chimed.

Connor blinked. The world came a little bit back into focus. He pulled his phone out, one hand still holding the open bottle. 

**Hi! This is Evan. :)**

He stared at the screen, failing to comprehend what he was reading.

**This is Connor right?**  
**Oh God, is this the wrong number?**  
**I checked several times, I was sure I put it in correctly.**  
**I’m so sorry!**

The pills fell out of his hand as he went to answer, spilling onto the grass.

**_this is connor. ur fine_ **

Evan answered almost immediately.

**Oh thank God.**  
**I was afraid I’d gotten it wrong.**  
**Or that you’d given me a fake number.**  
**Not that I think you would do that!**  
**But I wouldn’t blame you if you did.**  
**It wouldn’t be the first time.**  


Connor let out a breath resembling a laugh. The voice grew quieter.

**Sorry, I’m rambling.**  
**I just wanted to tell you**  
**That if you ever want to talk**  
**Or hangout**  
**Or something**  
**Let me know!**  


And once again Connor felt air catch in his chest, but this time for a completely different reason. He stared at the text for what seemed like hours. Then, as if in a dream, he typed:

**_what are you doing right now_ **

There was a minute, then Evan responded.

**I’m just home by myself.**

Connor let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

**_can i come over_ **

**usre**  
**Sure***

Connor was moving toward his car before he even received the address, plastic bottle laying forgotten in the grass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He gets better... eventually.
> 
> Zoe also gets better.... eventually.
> 
> I’m sorry? 
> 
> Also this is the introduction of pining!Connor. Get used to him he’ll be around for a hot sec.
> 
> (Side note, how the hell do people write chat fics?? Formatting that shit took way too much time.)


	4. Comfort Food

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan get a healthy dose of communication and a less healthy dose of pizza.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was only supposed to be the first half of the next chapter, but then it started reaching 3k and I was like “hmm, that’s not good.” So it’s a chapter by itself now. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Evan was panicking.

He had just invited Connor over.

_Connor Murphy._

Well, more accurately Connor asked to come over and Evan agreed, but the outcome was the same in that CONNOR MURPHY was coming to his house. Evan was wearing holes into the carpet with his pacing by the front door. 

After hours of debating and rewriting he had texted Connor, mostly pushed by the knowledge that Connor’s previous time of death was approaching, and that made him nervous. He hadn’t expected Connor to want to _come over._

He hadn’t had anyone besides Jared over in years. He didn’t know how to entertain someone who wasn’t Jared. Actually, he’s not sure he ever really entertained Jared either, Jared just kinda came over and played video games. And occasionally was willing to order food for them. 

He wasn’t ready for this.

Someone knocked on the door.

_He wasn’t ready for this._

Nevertheless, Evan nervously looked out the peephole to make sure it was in fact Connor and not some weird solicitor who would convince him into buying a vacuum they couldn’t afford, upon which he opened the door with a nervous smile.

Which immediately fell into shocked worry when he got a good look at Connor.

Connor’s hair was a mess, as if he had been trying to rip it out, and his shoes were covered in dirt. Tears were running down his face, half dried. But what concerned him the most was how empty and broken his eyes were. Evan knew those eyes.

He’s seen them too often in the mirror.

“...Hey,” came the quiet croak from Connor.

Silently, Evan gently grabbed Connor’s wrist, a request if this was okay. When Connor didn’t resist Evan gently led him into the room and shut the door. He guided the boy to the couch and had him sit down. He helped him take his shoes off and put them by the door before returning to sit next to Connor. 

He waited a moment, before asking, “What happened?”

Connor stared at him for a moment, eyes searching.

And then he broke. 

Tears streaming down his face, Connor ranted. 

He ranted about his Dad, about his mom, about his sister, about the looks he received at school.

He ranted about how everyone had this image of him ingrained in their heads and no matter what he did it was like he could do no right.

He ranted about how everyone thinks they know him, and what he’s going through, and that it’s all just a _phase_. Like he _wanted_ to be hated by the world. Like he _wanted_ to have voices in his head telling him he’s a monster. 

Like he wanted to _believe_ them.

And Evan did his best to listen. To sit and just be a source of comfort. God knows that’s what he always wanted. Someone who just... listened, instead of trying to fix him. He knows he’s broken, but it would be nice to have someone who didn’t always remind him of that fact.

Eventually Connor’s rants ran out, and they sat quietly, Conor trying to collect himself and rein in his tears. Eventually he looked up to make eye contact with Evan, who offered a small smile.

“...Hey,” Evan tried.

“...Hey,” Connor replied with an almost laugh. Then he sighed and wiped at his face with his jacket sleeves. “God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to come over and dump all my fucking issues on you.”

“No! N-no I’m glad you did,” Evan hurries to assure. Connor just gave him a strange look.

“You’re glad I barged into your house in the middle of the night to cry all over you?”

“Yes! Well I mean I’m not glad you’re crying, but I’m glad you felt like you could?” He scratched at his cheek and nervously continued to explain as Connor continued to stare at him. 

“I mean, I-I know how hard it can be to tell people how you are feeling, and I’ve never really had anyone besides my therapist, but I always feel super j-judged by him so I don’t actually feel comfortable talking to him? So I’m really glad you feel like you can talk to me about this stuff. And I understand how you feel so-”

“You understand how I feel?” Connor broke in. Evan returned his focus (when had he stopped paying attention?) to Connor and was panicked to find that his face had twisted into something angry. 

“...Y-yes?” Evan gulped. Connor stood up sharply. 

“You understand how I feel?! How the fuck could you understand how I feel?! I mean, yeah, you’re all anxious and shit, but at least people don’t hate you! At least people don’t treat you like some psycho who’s about to crack and go on a shooting spree! At least you don’t want to fucking die half the time, because maybe that would be easier! Maybe, if I just disappeared everyone would be so much happier.”

His voice, which had started out yelling, faded into something broken and cracking as he went. By the end he was almost back at a normal volume, fresh tears appearing. He turned toward the door, sounding broken as he continued.

“I... I have to go. I’m sorry for making you put up with me.”

For the second time that day Evan found anger bubbling up inside of him, and words were coming out of his mouth before he knew what was happening.

“You-you think that you’re the only way who feels that way?!” He sputtered angrily. Connor turned back around, surprise on his face. He opened his mouth to retort but Evan didn’t give him a chance.

“May-maybe my experiences and s-struggles might not be the same as yours, but don’t you dare trivialize how I feel! Everyday I wake up filled with guilt over being who I am! I’m a mess, I can’t talk to people without stumbling through my words and sticking my foot in my mouth. I’m just a massive burden on my mother, and no one knows I exist! Which, why should they? I’m not someone who deserves it!”

“...Ev-”

“You want to know how I broke my arm, Connor?” Evan interrupted. And suddenly he wasn’t looking at the Connor in front of him. He was back in his room, the shell of what Connor might have been standing in front of him with cold eyes. 

“I didn’t fall from that tree. I let go.”

Ghost Connor’s face softened, and he almost smiled as he disappeared, replaced with the real, living Connor looking at him in horror. Evan started shaking, adrenaline fading and the reality of what he just did kicking in.

Oh God. Oh fuck he just told off Connor and told him he had been suicidal. Connor had come here for comfort and he fucked up and now he was going to leave and both of them were going to be alone and Connor might end up dying anyway, and _he was really starting to like him and hope they could be friends and-_

Thin, shaking arms wrapped around him and Evan’s thoughts cut off abruptly. 

He was being... hugged?

Yes. 

That is what was happening.

Connor was hugging him. And saying something. Evan tried to focus.

“...-orry, I’m so sorry. I take back everything I said, I’m so sorry!” Connor was mumbling against his hair.

Evan returned the hug, his own apologies joining the mix, aimed at Connor’s chest.

“ _I’m_ sorry, I-I shouldn’t have y-yelled, you were feeling vul- vulnerable and I s-shouldn’t have g-go-gotten angry and-”

“Evan. Evan!” Connor called, attempting to stop the flow of words coming from him. Evan quieted and looked up, meeting Connor’s eyes. Connor seemed to trip on his words for a second, eyes widening slightly, before he coughed and continued. “You did nothing wrong, I got angry over something that wasn’t true. So I’m apologizing.”

“I’m, I’m st-till sorry, but ma-maybe y-you should t-t-try to n-not jump to co-conclusions so fast?” Evan timidly chided.

“You’re stuttering again. And you were doing so well when you were giving me a tongue lashing.”

“I-I was angry.”

“Maybe you should get angry more often,” Connor smirked.

“Noooo,” Evan groaned, catching the joking tone. “That s-sounds so _exhausting_.”

“Explains why I’m tired all the time. And here I thought it was the crippling self-hatred.”

Evan swatted his back and frowned up at him.

“...Too soon?” Connor questioned.

“Too soon.”

They continued standing there, lost a bit in thought, when Connor hesitantly cleared his throat to get Evan’s attention.

“Um, it’s okay if you don’t want to answer but... do you still... y’know...”

“...No. N-not... enough to actually try again. I-I had a really long discussion w-with my m-mom after that.” Not that she will remember that. Oh God, he has to tell her again. Ugh, that’s a worry for another day. “And I d-decided I’m g-going to actually tr-try a bit more.”

“And how’s that working for you?”

“A-actually pretty well. I th-think. I mean, I m-made friends with you didn’t I?” His tone was hopeful, and as he looked up he watched as Connor’s face went from shock, to about to cry, before breaking into the biggest smile Evan had ever seen on his face. 

And for a second Evan couldn’t breathe. 

“Well, shit. You’re right.”

They stayed that way until a loud gurgle sounded from Connor’s stomach, and they broke into laughter. Finally separating, Evan moved to grab the money his mom left on the counter.

“My m-mom left me money for dinner. I’ll order pizza and you c-can have in if you answer the door.”

“Wait, real pizza? With like, grease and cheese and meat?”

“Yes?”

“Hansen, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

And when Heidi Hansen walked through the door hours later, she was greeted to the sight of two boys, messy from crying, asleep against each other on the couch with a dvd menu playing on loop and a mostly eaten pizza on the table.

She almost cried.  
  


* * *

  
Connor woke up stiff to the smell of pancakes. He cracked his eyes open, squinting against the light in the room, and looked around trying to piece together what was happening.

Oh. Right. 

He was at Evan’s.

Because he came and had a major freak out. Then Evan yelled at him. And then they had pizza. 

Man last night was weird.

He registered the heavy warmth at his side and turned to find Evan still sleeping, entirely leaned on him. He blinked once. Twice.

Red erupted across his face as he stilled, staring at Evan. Oh fuck they _fell asleep together._

After a minute, where Connor debated what he should do, he eventually relaxed and just watched the sleeping boy next to him. His parents were going to flay him when he got home, after not returning last night, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Not while he was was sitting warmly in a small cozy living room with Evan.

Evan, who had welcomed him in at his worst, listened to him, honestly listened to him, and was willing to call him on his bullshit without blaming him. Without making him feel like he was irreparably broken.

Evan who had literally saved his life.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew what he had almost done last night. And a part of him still wanted to, the soft seductive voice in the back of his head. But it was quieter, and easier to tune out than usual.

Maybe it was because he no longer felt alone. 

Evan got him, understood and stood by him in a way no one had ever done before. And part of him broke when Evan had told him why. But at the same time, some sick part of him was relieved. He didn’t have to explain himself, Evan just got it. And still wanted to be his friend. 

And Connor almost wanted to cry again at that point. He was interrupted however, by a small groan and Evan starting to shift. He hurriedly tried to look like he hadn’t been staring at Evan like a lovesick puppy creepily for the last few minutes.

Even though he he wasn’t looking, Evan radiated his emotions, so Connor knew the instant Evan registered their position. Seconds later he was jumping away, apologizing profusely, a pretty blush painting his face. Connor couldn’t stop the laugh that bubbled from his chest, causing Evan’s string of sorries to cut off. 

A woman with ash blonde hair to match Evan’s came into the room, holding a spatula. She was clearly Evan’s mother, and she smiled warmly at them. And Connor was struck with the sudden thought that this is what a mother was like. Warm and comforting like a hug. 

“Morning boys! I made pancakes for breakfast! And while we eat, why don’t you introduce me to your friend, Evan?” She greeted. Evan blushed a shade darker, and seemed to struggle with forming words. Connor decided to come to his rescue. 

“My name is Connor, sorry to crash here like this,” he said. Evan shot him a grateful look. 

“Connor huh?” Her eyes flit down to his name taking up most of Evan’s cast, before returning to him. “I’m Evan’s mom, as you might have guessed. You can call me Heidi. Now, who’s hungry?”

They followed her into the kitchen and within seconds of being handed a plate Connor had a bite in his mouth. He moaned in bliss. Oh God, it had been so long since he had eaten real pancakes. With _syrup_. Evan snorted to his right. 

“Hungry much?”

“Dude, the only things we eat at my house currently are what fits into my mom’s weird ultra-vegan diet.”

“T-that explains why you were so excited for the pizza.”

“You go three months without real cheese and tell me how you feel.”

Heidi watched the exchange with a smile that was ready to tear from how wide it was. Connor was startled to realize she looked ready to start crying from happiness. Her face turned a bit embarrassed when she realized he had noticed.

“Sorry, I’m just happy that Evan brought a new friend home from school.” She paused. “You go to school together right?”

“Yeah, though we didn’t really talk until yesterday,” Connor answered.

“Oh? How come?”

“I... don’t talk to a lot of people.” _That’s an understatement_. “But Evan stood up for me and asked me to eat lunch with him.”

Heidi looked actually about to cry. She turned to Evan.

“I’m so proud of you!” She enthused, and Connor could tell there was a lot more to it than usual maternal pride. Evan looked decidedly uncomfortable, though a pleased blush had returned to his face. 

“I-it really wasn’t th-that big a deal. And he’s the one who f-found me at lunch and asked to be friends.”

“That wasn’t until I realized you _wanted_ to be first. It... really meant lot,” Connor refuted seriously. Evan blinked and looked away in embarrassment. 

“Well I for one am very happy for both of you. See Evan? I told you this was going to be the start of a good year!” She looked up at the clock on their kitchen wall. “Oh, shoot, I’ve got to get going I have a shift. I’ll clean up when I get home, so don’t worry about it. Can you get to school alright?”

“Yeah, we’ll be fine mom,” Evan replied. 

“Okay, I’ll see you later sweetheart. I’ll be home a bit late, but I don’t have class so I’ll try to be home in time to bring dinner. And Connor?” She suddenly questioned. He jolted a bit in surprise at being addressed.

“Yes?”

“Feel free to come over whenever you feel you need to, Okay?” She gave him a knowing smile, concern in her eyes. Connor found it hard to swallow and simply nodded. “Alright, I’m off! Bye boys, have a good day at school!” 

And just like that she was gone, door clicking shut behind her. Evan looked after her with a sad smile, but it felt too personal for Connor to question. So he simply returned to his pancakes, relishing the sugar. Evan eventually ate as well, and soon the two boys found themselves sitting quietly back on the couch, dishes in the sink.

Evan shifted nervously at the awkward silence, which Connor let lengthen as he tried to find the words to what he wanted to say. Eventually he gave up and simply muttered out an embarrassed “Thanks.” Evan looked over in confusion.

“For what?”

“...For a lot of things, but mostly last night.”

“I-I really didn’t do much.”

“You really did, so just accept my gratitude damn it.” 

Evan snorted a laugh, put at ease by the smile playing on Connor’s lips proving he wasn’t angry.

“Alright, _fine_.” Evan jumped as an alarm on his phone started going off. “Crap, we n-need to leave. For school.”

“Do we really though?”

“Connor.”

“What, I’m just saying.”

“Come on, the bus will g-get to the stop soon.”

“Hansen. I have a car. I can take us.”

“A-are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t.”

“R-right.” Evan started fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Connor bit back a sigh.

“Evan, you’re fine. Go grab your stuff and meet me outside.”

“Do you- um, do you w-want a b-brush?”

Connor narrowed his eyes in confusion before his hand went to his hair and felt the rats nest in the back. 

“Fuck.”

And the giggle from Evan that followed was the cutest thing he had ever heard.

... _Fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heidi is a great mom, fight me.
> 
> The next update will probably be in a few days, I’m heading back up to college. Also I’ve outlined the next several chapters, and if they end up anything like this one this might end up being a somewhat long fic.


	5. Zoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe surprises a lot of people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> So sorry this took so long, my last semester has proven to be more time consuming than expected, plus my internet hated me for about a week. I’ll try to update more frequently. I had fun with this chapter, and it’s a bit longer than normal, so hopefully it makes up for the long wait! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Connor had dropped Evan off at his locker before heading towards his own, having been convinced by Evan to a least _try_ and attend classes today. He had left with a gentle smile and a wave, which had earned a few shocked looks from the passerby or two in the hallway. These looks were promptly ignored.

And so, Evan found himself awkwardly standing in front of his locker, trying to remember his schedule so he could remember what books to grab. Suddenly someone cleared their throat behind him. He turned, expecting to find a still miffed Jared, only to be met with the scrutinizing glare of Zoe Murphy. He blinked in surprise. 

“...Y-Yes?” he stuttered out after a few painful seconds of silence.

“...Are you really friends with my brother?”

“...Yes?”

“And he’s not threatening you to play along, or paying you, or hurting you?”

“G-geezus, what? No!”

“Just... you should be careful, okay? Just because he seems okay now, doesn’t mean that he won’t suddenly flip out and attack you, or fly into a rage, because he will. No question about it. Connor doesn’t do _nice_.”

Evan looked at her in stunned silence. He knew Zoe and Connor hadn’t been close. In fact, he had heard many stories from his Zoe about how Connor had treated her, had seen the firsthand rage and resentment held in her eyes. 

But this wasn’t his Zoe. His Zoe had the shock and sorrow of Connor dying, the lies of their friendship to soften that anger and hurt. To this Zoe it was all fresh. All the yelling. All the fighting. All the threats, bitterness, and anxiety. 

To this Zoe Connor was still a monster. 

But... he wasn’t. Evan knew this for a fact now. Connor had many issues: a lightning temper, social paranoia, severe anxiety that manifested in the _opposite_ way as Evan’s... but those were things he needed _help_ with. He still had so many parts of him that were good, still worth trying for. 

He was kind, underneath the awkward rough exterior. He had passions and interests, things he found joy in. He didn’t want to hurt people, he was just so scared of being hurt himself. But when he felt safe, and relaxed or even smiled... it was impossible to call anything that beautiful evil. 

And he needed to get her to see that.

Zoe was starting to turn away, and Evan spoke out in a voice that was surprisingly clear and free of nerves.

“Connor’s not a monster, you know.”

She whipped back around to look at him. Shock and confusion dancing in her eyes.

“I don’t know exactly what he’s done to you, and you probably have perfectly valid reasons for viewing him so poorly, but I’ll speak from my own experiences. Connor can be kind, and funny, and have his feelings hurt, just like anybody else. Does he have his moments of lashing out? Yes. Does he say things that sometimes stab like a knife? Unfortunately, yes. But I’ll tell you a secret about people like me and Connor: sometimes we lash out because if everyone else hates us, it justifies how much we hate ourselves.”

He turned and shut his locker, zipping up his backpack and hoisting it over his shoulder. He turned back around and met Zoe’s conflicted gaze with a fiery stare in return.

“When was the last time you tried to prove him wrong?”

Zoe opened her mouth but nothing came out.

“Just some food for thought. Maybe try attacking him less? It might surprise you.”

And with that he walked away, leaving a stunned Zoe Murphy behind.

His pride lasted all of three classes before it devolved into panic. Oh God, he had just told off Zoe Murphy. The whole school was going to be talking about him. Would anyone come after him? No, Zoe wouldn’t do that. But that wasn’t to say someone else wouldn’t. 

His panic continued to grow throughout fourth period and left him running down the halls at the lunch bell, rushing to meet with Connor at the computer lab.

As he burst into the room Connor’s welcoming grin morphed into concern. He quickly got up from the chair he was lounging in and made his way to Evan. Connor was clearly out of his comfort zone however, his hands wandering aimlessly over Evan’s shoulders as he tried to figure out what to do. Evan would have laughed if he hadn’t been so focused on trying to get his worries across.

He sputtered away, his stammer returning full force, explaining how the whole school would be after him because he told off Zoe Murphy. At this Connor blinked in surprise and placed his hands more solidly on Evan’s shoulder’s, cutting off Evan’s incoherent rambling.

“Evan, slowly. What happened with Zoe?”

“W-well I was at m-my loc-locker, and she showed up a-and asked me if we were really... w-well if we’re really friends.”

Connor’s face grew livid, and his grip uncomfortably tight. 

“Of c-course I told her that we were!” Evan hurriedly assured. “Then I t-told her that m-maybe she should try not to-to aggravate you so much? U-um, I think maybe you s-should try to a be little nicer t-too, but she shouldn’t put all the, the blame on y-you? Because you don’t deserve it.”

Connor’s grip had remained tight on Evan’s shoulders, but his face had gone from enraged to a shocked blankness. 

Then Evan found himself being pulled forward into a crushing hug, Connor’s face buried into his shoulder. After the surprise faded, Evan returned the hug. His panicked adrenaline must still be running through him, as he suddenly noticed his heartbeat in his ears. But it was somehow the most enjoyable panic he had ever felt.

Lost in their thoughts, neither boy noticed the face of Zoe Murphy walking away from the window in the computer lab door.  
  


* * *

  
Connor found himself once again surprised by Evan. At this rate he wondered if he would ever stop being surprised by him. If they were anything like all the surprises so far, he really, _really_ , hoped not.

Lunch had once again turned into something he hadn’t known he needed. When Evan had burst through the doors a panicked wreck Connor had been worried. But hearing why he was panicked, that he had stood up to Zoe...for _him_... he couldn’t contain the rush of gratefulness. It was the first time in literal years that someone had defended him, taken his side, especially in front of _Zoe_. 

It meant a lot.

And speaking of _perfect_ Zoe, he had been standing next to the car for 10 minutes already waiting for her to get her ass out here.

The FUCKING nerve. She can get all pissy with him for being late but she can take all the time she fucking wants?!

He was already in a slightly irritated mood from Evan turning down his offer for a ride home (apparently the thought of sitting in the car with Zoe scared him. And Connor’s suggestion to just ditch her was rejected. Because Evan is _nice_ ). 

So now he was starting to border being pissed.

Just as he was about to say fuck it and leave without her, Zoe came hurrying toward the parking lot. He opened his mouth to berate her, but stopped when she caught his eye and gave him a strange look. 

Normally her expression when she saw him was this perpetual blend of bitch, anger, and a bit of fear on his bad days (that actually hurt a lot. His own sister was _scared_ of him. Then again, he scared himself). However, now her face was a confusing mixture that he couldn’t place. The closest he could guess was scrutinizing, but there seemed to be many more emotions playing beneath. 

Regardless, as she got to the car he couldn’t stop the sharp words leaving his mouth in a mocking tone, “Where were you? Off getting high somewhere?”

For a moment her usual expression of bitchy anger flashed across her face, but to his surprise it contained a trace of... was that _guilt_? And to his further shock she didn’t rise to the bait, simply giving a curt “No” as she climbed into the car. 

Thrown off by the unexpected reaction, Connor climbed into the driver’s side without making another comment. The rest of the ride back was silent, though Connor caught Zoe looking over at him with that same unreadable expression several times. It was starting to get under his skin, like an irritating itch trapped in his shoe. He caught her one more time before he snapped.

“You got a fucking problem!?”

She scowled but turned her glance away, focusing out her window. Thrown once again by her lack of response, Connor just focused back on driving as they pulled up to their house. 

Zoe exited without another word, heading into the house. Connor got out and watched her disappear inside, confusion still painting his face.

What the hell?

Shaking his head, he headed inside himself, relieved when he found his mother no where in sight demanding answers. He silently made his way to his room and shut the door behind him, collapsing onto his bed. He dragged his phone out of his pocket and decided to text Evan.

_**hey** _

After a moment he received a reply.

**Hi!**

_**u get home ok?** _

**Yeah, I’m good.**  
**Did Zoe say anything on the way back?**

_**no. which was fuckin weird. she just kept staring at me, it was annoying af** _

**I hope I didn’t make her upset with you**

_**even if you did it wouldnt be anything new. im glad you did it.** _  
_**seriously. it meant a lot.** _

**Then I don’t regret it!**  
**But I hope she’s not upset with you**

_**she didnt seem to be, which is a first** _  
_**seemed mor confused than anything** _

**Well then hopefully she’s thinking about my advice.**

_**which was?** _

**To not attack you so much.**  
**Which maybe you should also try?**  
**Not that you need to be super nice or anything!**  
**I’m sorry I didn’t mean to imply it’s your fault**  
**Or anything**  
**I just thought maybe**  
**If you try to be a bit more open to what they are saying**  
**They might return the favor**

Connor stared at the strings of text coming into his phone, frowning slightly. He highly doubted that would do anything. It’s not like he _wanted_ to get angry all the time. It just _happened_. But he guessed it wouldn’t hurt to try? As long as they didn’t say something to him first, he supposed he could just ignore them and try to avoid instigating a fight. 

He realized he had taken too long to answer when Evan started sending another rapid text string.

**I’m sorry you can just ignore me**  
**What do I know anyway?**  
**It’s your family**  
**Please don’t be mad**  
**I promise I won’t bring it up again**  
**I really didn’t mean anything by it**  
**Connor?**

_**slow down hansen. im still here. i was just thinking.** _  
_**im not mad** _

**Oh.**  
**Well**  
**Good.**

Connor snorted with a barely noticeable soft smile. All sorts of things had happened in the short period he had known Evan. Who knows? Maybe this will end up working better than he thinks.  
  


* * *

  
Connor stood around the corner from the dining room, unwilling to bring himself to cross the threshold to deal with his family. God dinner was going to suck. However, his mom came around the corner, probably to fetch him herself and almost ran into him. 

“Oh! Connor, there you are. I was about to get you for dinner.”

They stood in awkward silence for a moment before Cynthia nervously opened her mouth again.

“May I ask where you went last night?” 

“...A friend’s,” Connor scowled.

“Oh! Was it that boy you mentioned last night? Evan?” She perked up hopefully, only to sigh and wilt a little when Connor didn’t answer her. “Alright, don’t tell me. But if you feel the need to run off again, could you at least text me to let me know you are all right? I was really worried when you didn’t come back last night.”

Connor felt a jolt of guilt as he realized his mother had been correct to have worried about him. If it hadn’t been for Evan he might not even be here, if not in a hospital. His mother was the only person in this house who remotely gave a damn about him, and while he still thought her life would be better without him, she at least _tried_.

“...Okay,” he quietly promised. Well, he’d try at any rate. 

Apparently she hadn’t been expecting him to actually agree, because her face blossomed in delighted surprise. She beamed at him before turning around and heading back into the dining room. With a sigh, he followed her. Time to face the music.

When he entered he was greeted to the sight of Zoe already playing with the food on her plate and Larry frowning as he saw him.

Woo, off to a great start already. 

He sat down silently, stubbornly staring at the table and avoiding eye contact. Larry, however, didn’t seem to get the ‘no talking’ memo.

“I see you’ve decided to come back.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Connor scowled.

“You can’t just go charging off to do God knows what whenever something isn’t going your way. You really worried your mother last night.”

Because of course _he_ hadn’t been worried.

“Yeah, because obviously I left for some bullshit pride reason like _not getting my way_.”

“If you want to give a better reason, I’m willing to hear it!”

Yeah, because _that_ would go well. He could picture it now: ‘Hey Larry, I ran away because I simultaneously wanted to bash the table and my head in!’ 

Luckily for Connor Cynthia came into the room carrying a plate for him, saving him from having to respond.

“Can we all please just calm down and eat dinner together as a family? I’ve already talked to Connor about it, so we can leave it for now,” she both ordered and pleaded at the same time. 

Taking the silence as agreement, she sat down and gave a stiff smile, signaling everyone to start eating- or at least pretend to.

They continued to eat in silence, even Cynthia. Maybe she was trying to avoid what happened yesterday. However, once again Larry was the one to break the quiet.

“Did you go to school today?”

“Did you get any calls saying I hadn’t?” Connor snapped back.

“Connor, just answer the question!”

“Yes! Are you fucking happy now?!”

“Zoe, did you see Connor at school today?” Larry asked, turning to her. She seemed blindsided by the question.

“Why the fuck are you asking her?! Do you think I’m lying?!” Connor snarled, sitting straight in his chair.

“It wouldn’t be the first time!”

“I don’t know, I don’t have classes with him! He drove us back after though, so I guess he showed up,” Zoe grumbled. Connor shot her a confused look. The fuck? Normally she would either jump in with Larry or remain out of it. 

“How was school today? Either of you,” Cynthia piped up, trying to divert the topic. Connor scoffed and slouched back down. 

“Fine,” Zoe mumbled. Neither gave a further answer. 

“Nothing else? No new friends or homework? What about that boy, Evan?” She pressed. Connor bristled.

“What about him?”

“Why don’t you have him over for dinner or something sometime? I’d love to meet him.”

“Fuck no!”

“And why not?” Larry started. “Unless he really is some drugged up delinquent.”

Connor opened his mouth in a rage to defend Evan, but was beaten to the punch by Zoe.

“Evan’s not like that.”

All eyes turned toward her, and she continued.

“He’s like, the opposite of a delinquent.”

“And this boy is friends with Connor?” Larry questioned.

“I couldn’t believe it either, but yeah. They’re friends.” She gave Connor that same unreadable look she’d been giving him all afternoon. “And I think he might be good for Connor.” 

“Then why can’t he come over?” Larry pushed. And Connor was stunned as Zoe, daddy’s little girl, gave Larry a withering stare. 

“You mean to the shit show that is our family dinners? I wouldn’t bring my worst enemy, why the hell would he bring his friend?”

At this point Connor was staring at Zoe as if she had proclaimed him the king of rainbows and started tap-dancing on the table. When the fuck did Zoe actually take _his_ side? Or at least not be _against_ him?

Her comments seemed to have stunned Larry into silence finally, and the rest of dinner past in tense silence.  
  


* * *

  
Hours later, Connor was laying on his bed, staring at the stars on the ceiling as if they contained the answers to the universe. 

Or at least the answers to what the fuck had happened at dinner. 

He couldn’t remember the last time Zoe had even come close to defending him. Hell, she was usually the first to jump in to insult him or make a snide comment. It almost reminded him of back when they were little. Back when they weren’t trying to tear each other’s throats out. Before all the anger and hatred and fear. 

They had never been extraordinarily close or anything, but they used to actually like each other. They used to actually act like _siblings_.

And this was a far cry from that, but it was still somehow light years better than even yesterday. 

And he just didn’t get it. 

However, his thoughts were interrupted by a knock at his door. Confused by this, as Larry didn’t bother knocking and Cynthia’s knocks were much more timid, Connor got up and opened the door to find Zoe standing there. Though she was the only person left who could possibly be knocking, it still surprised him to see her there. 

They stood awkwardly for a moment before Zoe asked, “Can I come in?”

Connor was tempted to refuse, but he had promised Evan he would try to ‘be more open’ to his family, and Zoe had been fucking weird at dinner. 

So he let her in.

After shutting the door behind them he went and sat on his bed, giving Zoe a look that clearly said, ‘explain’.

She didn’t start well.

“I’m angry with you,” she stated bluntly. Connor instantly tensed in defense. She forged onward, ignoring his expression. 

“You’ve done a lot of shit to me; shit that won’t simply just go away. You’ve made me distrust you- hell sometimes I’m even _scared_ of you.”

She took a deep breath.

“But... I don’t hate you.”

And all at once, the rage that had been building in Connor was sucked out and replaced with a stunned storm of emotion. Zoe continued, unaware of the conflict raging within him.

“For years I blamed you for pulling away, for changing and becoming something so angry and terrifying. I convinced myself that you were my enemy.” She paused, looking into the distance. “It hadn’t really occurred to me that my actions weren’t the best either. I thought I was justified. But... it was rather aggressively pointed out to me that I wasn’t being very nice to you as well.”

“Evan...” Connor breathed in realization. Zoe smiled wryly. 

“For a normally anxious wreck, he has a remarkably sharp tongue.” Her smile faded back into a frown. “He cared so much about you, and you seemed to care so much back. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. If you could be kind and happy and all those things I had convinced myself you weren’t anymore, then did that mean I was wrong?”

She looked back at him. 

“So I tested it. And I thought about it. And I realized, while you may still have a lot of things to answer for, it’s not entirely your fault.”

Connor couldn’t breath. He couldn’t process. His mind had left and he simply stared as Zoe moved closer before kneeling in front of him and putting a hand tentatively on his knee.

“You’re my brother, and deep down... I miss you. I know we can never go back to when we were younger. But I think I want to try. What do you say?”

Connor continued to stare, and to his shock realized he was crying. Large, silent tears dripping down his face. Abruptly he stood up and pushed Zoe toward the door, ignoring her shocked exclamations. He shut it roughly once she was past the frame. 

He pressed his back against the wood and slid down. After a moment, he shakily pulled out his phone. He pulled up a contact he hadn’t messaged in a long time. He typed two, simple words.

_**I’ll try** _

On the other side of the door a phone chimed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you, she gets better. They still have a lot to work through though. 
> 
> Also, I don’t hate Larry? Like in the musical he legitimately cared for his son, he just was shit at expressing it in the right way. But I do think that if Connor hadn’t died he wouldn’t have made that realization, so he might come off as an ass. Especially since I’m writing him from Connor’s point of view. 
> 
> Just my take on it.


	6. For Forever or Never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has a chat with Jared and Connor takes him to see some trees. Neither go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I almost managed to get this up on Valentine’s Day. Ah well. (ALSO did anyone watch the valentine’s Only Us cover by Ben and Taylor??? It was so cute I cried.)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Evan once again found himself standing in front of his locker, grabbing the books he would need for the day when he heard a distinctly familiar cough from behind him. He turned, and was this time less surprised to find Zoe Murphy standing behind him, though she was weirdly out of breath. 

“I wanted to say something to you before Connor got here,” she explained, as if reading his mind. Straightening up, she caught her breath briefly before speaking again. “...Thank you.”

And before Evan could open his mouth to ask what for, she spun on her heel and strode down the hall, presumably toward her own locker. Evan stared after her, blinking in confusion, and as such was taken by surprise when someone tackle hugged him from behind.

He let out a yelp of surprise and struggled until he recognized the thin, hoodie covered arms surrounding him. 

“C-Connor?” he questioned, bewildered. It was indeed Connor, who released him and allowed Evan to turn and face him fully.

“Hey,” Connor greeted, an almost smile pulling at his lips.

“Wha-what was that for?”

“Thanks?”

“You too? What is everyone so grateful for?”

“Wait, ‘me too’? Who else thanked you?”

“Z-Zoe thanked me earlier and offered no explanation.”

“Ah.” Connor scratched his cheek shyly. “That was probably for the same reason.”

“Which is?”

“We, uh, sorta made up?”

“What?!” Evan delightedly gasped. 

“We like, talked. Well, she talked, I just sorta sat there and agreed at the end. We’re still hella rocky, and breakfast was really awkward, but we agreed to try and not fucking hate each other?”

“Connor, I’m so happy for you!” Evan beamed. Then his smile turned a bit confused. “But I-I’m still not sure why I’m being thanked?”

“Well apparently she did take your advice to heart. And I wouldn’t have even listened to her if you hadn’t told me to try to. So uh, thanks.”

“There’s n-no need to thank me. You guys did it all on your own.”

“Just accept our gratitude, damn it,” Connor joked. Evan, recognizing the phrasing, let out a laugh.

“Alright, _fine_.”

They stood grinning at each other until a loud bell broke the moment, startling the two. Evan sighed.

“I have to get to class. See you at lunch?” 

“You know it.” Connor gave a two-fingered salute and walked away. Evan hoped it was to class.  
  


* * *

  
The day passed relatively normally, though Evan felt like someone was watching him from somewhere. However, he could never actually catch anyone looking (and why would they?), so he just chalked it up to his anxiety making him paranoid. 

As it moved into the passing period for lunch and Evan made his way down the hall to meet with Connor, he saw a familiar head of light brown hair ducking and moving through the crowd ahead of him.

Jared.

They hadn’t talked since that first day when he had told him off for messing with Connor. If he was honest he wasn’t entirely sure what his relationship with Jared was. Jared was not the nicest guy, but he was the closest thing Evan had had for a friend for most of his life.

He was starting to think it might not be so different for Jared. 

Jared always hid behind sarcastic insults, defenses of only being “family friends”, or hanging with him for his car insurance. But in all the time Evan had known him, he realized that he had never _actually_ seen him with anyone else. 

Jared always had these grand stories of all his other friends and all the cool things he did without Evan, but if Evan had learned anything about Jared from the whole fake email debacle, it was that Jared is really good at making things up. 

Hiking his bag on his shoulder, Evan moved forward with a determination unlike him and followed after Jared. He eventually found himself outside an empty classroom. He had a sinking feeling that his suspicions weren’t too far off after all.

Sure enough, as he entered he found Jared sitting on a desk unwrapping a sandwich. Jared startled as Evan walked in, face settling into a bitter scowl when he saw who it was. 

“What do you want? Your shooter boyfriend get tired of you?” He sneered. Evan frowned at the words, but continued into the room.

“I want to talk to you,” Evan replied instead.

“Oh? Come to beg for my forgiveness?”

“I’m not going to apologize for standing up for Connor. However, I-I wasn’t very nice myself. So I’m sorry for saying it the way I did.”

“When the fuck did you get so close to Murphy? Last I checked you couldn’t even stutter out a “hello” to his sister,” Jared asked instead.

“Hon-honestly I... that was the first time I actually talked to him,” Evan admitted. _This time at least._ Jared’s face twisted into angry confusion.

“Then why the hell did you defend him?! He’s fucking Connor Murphy! Why...” he trailed off, the unspoken words clear.

_Why would you pick him over me?_

“A lot of reasons. I was a bit mad at you...what you said was uncalled for... but mostly I just didn’t feel like he deserved it.”

“Why the fuck were you mad at me?” He asked incredulously. A part of Evan wondered if he really had no idea. 

“You know you were one of the only friends I had right?” Evan asked, skipping over Jared’s question. Jared looked taken aback by the sudden question.

“We’re just-” he started, but Evan cut him off.

“Just family friends, yes I know. You’ve made that abundantly clear. But even if that’s all you think of us as, maybe if that’s all we really are, it still hurts to hear you say that.”

The room fell quiet as Jared looked at him with his mouth slightly open. His next words however, were not what Evan had hoped to hear. 

“Seriously? That’s what you were mad about?” Jared finally said. Evan bristled.

“Yes! I’m sorry it seems like such a trivial thing to you with all your _numerous friends_ , but it meant a lot to me!” 

“What are you trying to say?” Jared asked angrily, standing up from the desk.

“I don’t know Jared, what do you think I’m trying to say?” Evan spat back.

“...Just get the fuck out! I’m sure your lover boy is waiting for you somewhere!”

“Fine! At least he isn’t a dick! Enjoy your lunch with all your friends in this _empty classroom_!” Evan wrenched the door open, stopping to call over his shoulder, “Sorry for trying to apologize and _actually_ be friends with you!” 

He stormed away, Jared’s voice following him down the now empty hall: 

“I bet those fucking rumors are true!”

The comment confused Evan, but the door slammed shut, and he was still too pissed to go back and continue dealing with Jared, so he just continued storming angrily down the hall until he reached the computer lab.

He shoved the door angrily and walked in to a surprised Connor halfway out of a chair, looking like he was trying to decide between fight or flight. Connor untensed as he registered that it was just Evan, but continued in his trajectory and came and stood in front of him. He brought his hands to Evan’s shoulders once more, only this time with greater confidence. 

“What happened?” He asked.

“...I tried to talk to Jared,” Evan finally replied. Connor’s face scrunched in distaste. 

“What did the asshole say this time?”

“He’s not normally that... that bad,” Evan defended, though he wasn’t quite sure why. Connor gave him a flat look, one eyebrow raised. “...Okay, he’s kind of an ass,” Evan conceded. “But I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of defense mechanism?”

“He really fucking pissed you off though.” 

“I just... he’s the closest thing I had to a f-friend before you? And I just thought if we- we talked it over we could fix things?”

“I take it he was less willing?”

“Lets just say it could have gone better.”

Now that the adrenaline from his anger was fading, Evan just found himself tired; emotionally and physically. Connor regraded him for a moment before seemingly coming to a decision with a firm nod. 

“Come on, we’re getting out of here,” he said, spinning Evan around and gently pushing him out the doors and back into the hall.

“Wha-what do you mean?” Evan sputtered, half-heartedly struggling against Connor in confusion.

“You need a break, so we’re gonna take a fucking break.”

“You mean skip?” Evan gasped.

“No, I mean go find the secret room full of puppies and cookies,” Connor deadpanned. 

“Connor! We can’t skip!”

“Ah, but that is where you are wrong young padawan.”

“Connor!”

Connor sighed and halted, allowing Evan to face him once again. “Look here Hansen, one day of skipping will not kill you.”

“No, but my mother will when the school calls her.”

“Then just call her first, say you were feeling sick or something, and I, your ever kind friend, took you home.”

Evan scrunched his face, but thought about it. Honestly, skipping school would not be the worst thing he’s ever done, and getting away from it all for a while sounded _really_ appealing. His conscience made him offer one last argument however.

“What about Zoe? Don’t you guys share a ride?”

Connor frowned, as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him. 

“...I think she has band practice, she hitches a ride off someone else from there. I’ll text her later to make sure.”

Evan searched for another argument for a few moments before sighing in defeat and pulling out his phone. “...I’ll just tell her something happened at school and I needed a mental health day. Then it’s not a complete lie.”

Connor smirked in victory and continued to lead Evan out toward the parking lot as he finished texting his mother. She didn’t respond after a few minutes, and Evan wasn’t surprised. She was probably busy with her shift and wouldn’t have time to see it until later.

Connor started the car as Evan buckled in. 

“Where are we even going?” Evan asked, as he realized he had no idea.

“It’s a surprise.”

“I don’t do well with surprises.”

“I promise you’ll like it. I think.”

“You think?”

“Well you reminded me of it, so I thought it would be something you’d like.”

Evan felt a weird warmth in his chest and he failed to come up with a response to that. So he just quietly nodded and leaned his head against the window. The soothing vibrations of the car and his emotional exhaustion eventually made him doze off.  
  


* * *

  
He was woken by a hand shaking his shoulder. He blinked in disorientation as he registered that the car had stopped moving. He looked over to Connor who was grinning at him. 

“Morning sleeping beauty. We’re here.”

Connor got out of the car and Evan followed after a moment of waking up the rest of the way. As he climbed out the first thing he noticed was Connor grinning in expectation in front of some dilapidated sign. The next thing he noticed was what was written on the sign.

And then he was very, very awake.

“I remembered it when you were rambling about trees the other day. It’s shut down now, but I used to come here a lot with my family back when we actually kind of liked each other. There’s a shit ton of trees here, and since it’s closed down no one will be here. What do you you think?”

Evan stared at Connor, not breathing. 

They were at Autumn Smile Apple Orchard. 

Memories raced through his mind; Mrs. Murphy smiling through tears as he spews a tale of them spending time there, the Connor Project raising money to reopen the orchard, his guilt filled avoidance of the place, Zoe-

It was too much. 

Was this real? Was this all some sad creation in his head? Why would the real Connor also want to take him here? Oh God, he’s actually gone crazy and convinced himself of the sad distorted reality he imagined. 

He realized somewhat distantly that he was on the ground, a presence in front of him.

...Connor? 

Yes, Connor was in fact in front of him, crouching down with a panicked expression. He was saying something.

“...-van! Evan! Can you hear me? _Evan_!”

Evan blinked at him trying to focus on the words. 

“Fuck. Of course I just _had_ to fuck this up. Evan, please, breath! You’re gonna pass out!” 

Evan internally frowned. He tried to take in some air and suddenly felt pain in his chest as needed oxygen flowed in. He hadn’t even noticed he had stopped breathing. Connor seemed encouraged by Evan’s response and continued asking him to breathe. Evan complied, though he didn’t remember breathing being this much effort. 

Eventually he could breathe without consciously thinking about it, and he was able to focus more on what was happening around him. As such he became aware of the dampness on his face and the shivers running through his body.

“...Can you stand?” Connor quietly asked. 

Evan thought about it. He honestly wasn’t sure if he could. Sensing his uncertainty, Connor stood and grabbed Evan’s arms, pulling him up. Evan found his legs go weak and he collapsed against Connor. Connor tensed as he braced against the sudden weight. Before Evan could apologize and attempt to stand on his own however, he felt his legs being swept up as Connor picked him up bridal style. 

Evan yelped in embarrassment and wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck for support. Connor seemed to be struggling somewhat, but he made no complaint as he carried Evan back into the car. Evan felt his face heat significantly.

The car ride back was quiet and tense. Connor made no comment and Evan sat and struggled with his sense of reality.

They pulled up to his house and Connor once again helped him out, though this time he only worked as a brace as they walked into the house and up the stairs to Evan’s room. Connor helped him onto the bed before pulling away and standing awkwardly in the middle of the floor. 

“...I’m sorry,” he eventually said. Evan blinked.

“W-what for?”

“What for?” Connor exclaimed incredulously. “Are you fucking kidding me?! I sent you into a massive fucking panic attack!”

“N-no you-” Evan started but he was cut off as Connor kept speaking.

“God, I can’t even try to cheer up my only friend without fucking it up. Look at Connor Murphy, the kid who fucking breaks everything he touches!” He bitterly laughed, before dropping his gaze and letting his face fall. “...I’ll just...go.” 

He started to walk away and Evan felt a rush of panic shoot through his body. 

“WAIT!” he shouted, making Connor stumble and look back at him in confusion. “...Don’t go. Please,” he continued in a much quieter, strangled tone. He didn’t want to think about what he would do if left alone to his own thoughts.

Now Connor was staring at him in shocked disbelief. However, he turned back and returned next to the bed. Evan moved over to make room, and after some hesitation Connor sat down next to him.

In a burst of confidence with a touch of desperation, Evan grabbed Connor’s wrist and yanked until they were lying down side by side on the bed, his hand feeling Connor’s pulse. The steady, slightly fast beat helped sooth his nerves and help him feel like Connor was actually there, like this wasn’t all in his head.

“Wha-” Connor gasped.

“Sorry, it’s grounding. I-is it okay?” 

“...Yeah. Of course,” Connor finally answered after a minute, looking at Evan with an expression he couldn’t decipher. But it made him feel warm. 

They settled down in silence, and when Connor’s hand shifted up to hold his hand properly, Evan found himself strangely okay with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought I was going to For Forever it didn’t you?


	7. Communication is Key

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan has two very important conversations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 久しぶり？
> 
> Sorry for the long wait, my last semester has actually been slowly killing me. I actually sat down and finally wrote this as a break for my fried brain. I’m the only editor, so forgive any mistakes my addled mind didn’t catch. The next chapter has been outlined, but probably won’t be out until at least next week, as I have my senior thesis presentation at the end of this week. And until that’s done I will not have time for anything else. Anyway, here’s the chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!

Connor couldn’t quite wrap his head around what was happening. He was laying in Evan’s bed, holding Evan’s hand, while Evan was dozing with his head touching Connor’s shoulder.

What the fuck?

He hadn’t moved a muscle for fear of shattering the moment. It was like he had a cat on his lap and if he shifted slightly it would bolt and ruin the whole cuddle thing.

His emotions had been on a massive roller coaster that day. He’d been in a pretty good mood up until lunch, and honestly even with Evan all angry it hadn’t detracted much. In fact he had been nervously excited to show Evan the orchard. Then of course, like everything else in his life, that blew up in his face spectacularly. 

Though Connor didn’t quite know what had set him off, clearly _something_ about the place had Evan spiraling into a panic attack of impressive proportions.

It had been terrifying.

And made Connor feel like an absolute piece of shit, because...

It was his fault.

Maybe not intentionally, but the truth of the matter was that he took Evan to a place that did that to him.

Connor wouldn’t have been surprised if Evan hadn’t wanted to see him again. 

Yet... he did. Moreover he hadn’t wanted him to even _leave_. Hell they were basically cuddling in his bed _holding hands_.

The whole thing was tripping with his emotions. He felt guilty and worried, but there was also that increasingly growing part of him that got all warm and melted whenever Evan so much as breathed in his direction, and there was even, dare he say it... a bit of hope? 

Like, he had little experience so he wasn’t sure, but boys typically don’t hold hands with their best friends right? He had no idea what Evan’s sexuality was though. Maybe holding hands was just a thing Evan was chill with.

Ugh, feelings sucked.

He startled as his phone buzzed in his pocket. Carefully, so as to not wake Evan, Connor gently pried the device from his skinny jeans and looked down to find a text from Zoe.

**where r you?**

Shit, did she not have band practice? He slowly typed a one-handed response. 

_**@Evans. He had a panic attck. Dont think i can leave** _

**could have said something.**

He frowned and tried to bite down the irritation he felt rising. Another text alert sounded before he could respond however.

**how’s he doing?**

And the anger died down a little.

_**hes sleeping. But it ws bad. Started disassociating i thnk.** _

**damn**   
**okay, I’ll hitch a ride off someone.**   
**I’ll tell mom you’re with Evan.**

Connor felt an unfamiliar rush of gratitude toward his sister.

_**thx** _

Despite his best efforts to the contrary, his slight movements and texting appeared to have woken Evan, who shifted with a light groan. His eyes opened into a squint.

Connor attempted to smile down at him, but it felt like it was more of a grimace. 

“...Hey. How ya feeling?”

“...Physically? Warm. Emotionally? Kinda like an empty dump truck,” Evan croaked after a second.

“What?”

“Like, there was a bunch of trash, and I’m going to have a bunch more trash in the future, but I’ve just dumped all the trash I had, so I’m kinda empty. It’ll all get too full again, but for now I’m okay? I think?”

“Well that’s... good?”

“It’s an improvement at the very least.”

Connor was relieved Evan seemed to be much more stable and aware. Also they were still holding hands and either Evan hadn’t noticed or didn’t feel like stopping, because he made no move to change that fact. And Connor sure as hell wasn’t about to.

They laid there in silence for a moment, before Connor asked the question that had been bugging him since earlier.

“...What happened?”

And a myriad of expressions flashed across Evan’s face, most decidedly not happy, before settling on a resigned awkwardness. He averted his eyes.

“It j-just... brought back some bad memories is all.”

Connor’s eyes widened as he made a connection.

He’s a fucking moron.

“Oh my God, _I’m so sorry_. You tried to... of fucking _course_ you wouldn’t want to be around a forest of trees,” Connor exclaimed, sitting up.

All the warm emotions that had been building him were flooded out by a new wave of guilt and self-loathing. He went to pull his hand away and get up. Evan hurriedly sat up as well.

“NO!” he yelled, tightening his grip on Connor’s hand in an effort to hold him in place. “I-I mean,” Evan stammered, embarrassed by his own sudden volume. “It’s not your fault, I-”

“Not my fault?!” Connor cut him off. “Are you fucking kidding me?! You fucking tried to kill yourself by jumping out of a tree, and what does my brilliant ass do? _Take you to see a bunch of trees_! Of fucking _course_ it brought back bad memories! God I’m such a worthless fucking piece of shit, I should just leave you the fuck alone before I drag you down with me!” 

He wrenched his hand out of Evan’s death grip and was halfway to the door before before his face met carpet as he was tackled from behind.

“Evan, get the fuck off me!” He yelled, struggling against the surprising strength of the shorter boy. He managed to twist around to try and get better leverage.

“No!”

“I said get _off_!”

“And I said _no_!”

“Let _go_ , Hansen!”

“ _I’m never fucking letting go!_ Not again!”

Connor stilled. “...What do you mean?”

“...I received a second chance. A second chance to make it right. I didn’t know I wanted it, and I don’t know what god decided I was meant to live this life, but I’ve decided I’m not going to waste it,” Evan desperately ranted into his shoulder. “No matter how bad my days might be or how much I can hate myself, I promised myself that I’m not going to let go and give up again. And that means I’m not giving up on you.”

“Why?” Connor strangled out past the shocked wad of emotion filling his throat. Evan finally pulled back and looked at Connor in the eye, a broken expression on his face.

“...Because if I lost you I’m not sure I could keep that promise.”

And once more in the span of twenty-four hours Connor felt like he’d been sucker-punched in the gut, the air leaving him in one fell swoop. Time seemed to drag. He stared at Evan, mind blank and tongue at a loss for words. His hands decided to speak for him however, and in quick succession moved from where they had been pushing against Evan to around him to harshly pull their bodies together in a crushing hug. Evan returned it in equal measure and they lay there on the floor, lost in the presence of the other. 

Eventually, after what felt simultaneously like days and seconds, Connor loosened his arms, back and joints complaining from remaining on the threadbare floor. They separated enough to look at each other, an unsure tension in the air. 

“...Hi?” Evan timidly smiled, breaking the silence. Connor blinked before breaking into quiet, snorting laughter. The air cleared and Evan joined in, breathily giggling. When they calmed down Evan rolled off of Connor and they both sat up on the floor. They looked at each other, and with a dopey grin Connor finally responded.

“Hi.”

Evan seemed stunned for a minute, but then the smile he gave in return was blinding.  
  


* * *

  
Evan sat on the coach, some sitcom on the television. His mom was in the kitchen, cleaning up the dishes from dinner. Connor had stayed until Evan’s mom had come home around seven, and even then only leaving once he made sure Evan was okay.

And he was. 

Mostly.

His thoughts were racing around his head in a circle like a hamster in a wheel, and he hadn’t absorbed anything on the screen in the past twenty minutes, but he was fine.

100% totally a-okay. 

...Maybe 80%. But! That was still a pretty good passing grade!

He was definitely _not_ spiraling into a panic as he questioned everything he knew. 

Because he most definitely, positively, _absolutely_ had not thought about kissing Connor Murphy.

It didn’t mean anything that the pure smile he saw had taken his breath away.

It didn’t matter that Connor made him feel safer than anyone else had since his mother. 

It meant nothing that Connor was one of the most beautiful people Evan had ever seen.

...Yeah no, he was fucked.

He had managed to keep down the rising tide and focus on having a good time with Connor when he was here (Connor was a pretty good distraction), but as soon as he had left Evan had been left alone with his own thoughts and feelings. And that was never a good thing.

So now, here he was, sitting on a couch and having an identity crisis. 

The water in the kitchen quieted and Evan peripherally noticed his mom walk out, gingerly walking toward him and joining him on the coach.

“Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?” Heidi asked gently. And hoo boy, that was a loaded question. Evan tried to find words to describe how he felt before settling on a stressed gurgled noise as he flopped onto his mother’s shoulder.

Nailed it.

She let out a sympathetic hum and started running a hand through his hair. He closed his eyes and focused on the soothing action.

“You said something happened at school, wanna talk about it?”

“Huh? Oh, right. That.” He had actually forgotten about Jared and the text he had sent his mother. Other things had been more pressing on his mind. 

Like existential crises and sexual questioning.

“Had a fight with Jared,” Evan expounded.

“I’m sorry, was it bad?”

“Well I don’t think we’ll be talking for a while, so uh, yeah. It was bad.”

Heidi made another noise of comfort, and they sat in silence for a moment. Just as Evan was starting to relax into it, Heidi spoke again.

“While I am sorry you fought with Jared, why do I feel like that isn’t the full story?”

Evan stiffened, sharply being dragged back to his previous problem. He debated what to tell her. He could tell her that he suddenly realized he was attracted to his only friend, but then he might possibly have to explain _how_ he had realized that, and that would mean explaining why he _actually_ had a panic attack, and Lord knows he wasn’t about to do that. He could tell her nothing at all, but as tempting as that was hiding things from his mother had ended horribly last time. He wasn’t getting very far in his thoughts by himself, so maybe he could tell her and just... fudge it a little?

Heidi had patiently sat and waited as Evan had his internal debate, which he was extremely grateful for. He opened his mouth, only to freeze again as the possibility of this not going well flit across his mind. ...Would she be upset? She hadn’t seemed prejudiced before, but he’d heard horror stories of seemingly loving parents flipping out over it. But his mom wasn’t like that... right?

...Right?

“Honey, are you okay?” Heidi broke in, quietly as though speaking to a spooked animal. Evan floundered for a few minutes before his nerves made him blurt out,

“It’s Connor!”

“...Connor?” Heidi repeated, brows furrowing in confusion. “Did something happen with Connor? You two seemed good when I got home.”

“That’s the... the problem.”

“It’s a problem that things are good between you?”

“The problem is that it’s _too_ good!” Evan exclaimed.

“I’m afraid you’ve lost me.”

“It’s just...” Evan sat up, pulling on his hair with his unbroken hand. “He’s just so...” he gestured in the air to express what he meant. “He’s far from perfect, but that’s what makes him so perfect? Like, he doesn’t make me feel like garbage for being how I am, he just... accepts it. Like I’m _normal_. And he’s like weirdly really comforting, even though he’s kinda shit at being comforting? And he really needs to smile more, because _holy shit_ and-”

“Evan!” Heidi interrupted, breaking his word vomit. He looked over and found her now with an understanding expression. “...You like him, don’t you?”

Evan felt the air leave him in one fell swoop. That... had been nebulously what he had realized. But hearing it put into words made it real in a way he wasn’t sure he was ready for yet. Heidi seemed to find the answer in his non-response and wrapped him in a hug.

“...Oh Evan...It’s alright. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. I will always love and support you, regardless of whether you like girls, boys, both, or nothing at all.”

Evan felt his relief choke in his throat, and tightened the hug in response.

“...So his smile huh?” Heidi teased after they sat in silence for a good long while.

“MOM!” Evan exclaimed, pulling away with a massive blush.

She only laughed, and through his sputtered complaints Evan couldn’t help but smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan has joined the Pining Club™


	8. Home Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor have the Murphy house to themselves for an afternoon, and put it to good use.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Sorry for the long wait. Officially graduated, and now enduring the hell of job hunting. I'm going to do my best to start powering through this fic a bit more, I already have the specifics of the next few chapters knocked up and hoo boy am I looking forward to it. As apology for the long wait, I present a longer chapter than normal! 
> 
> Enjoy!

Evan stood outside the front of the school nervously adjusting his backpack straps as he waited for Connor to come out. For all his panic from his Gay Feelings™, Evan had found he fell back into the swing of his relationship with Connor with remarkable ease. It was very bizarre after how nervous and weird he acted around Zoe when he had a crush on her; with Connor it just felt natural. Regardless, he managed to peacefully make his way to the end of the week and it was now Friday after school.

Someone poked him in the back and he jumped, spinning to face his assailant. When he saw it was just Connor Evan relaxed and smiled up at him. Connor returned it freely.

“Ready to go?” Connor asked. Evan nodded before his smile faltered in nerves.

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to come over?”

“I told you, it’s fine. My parents have some rich people soirée, and Zoe is going to some start of school party. So with any luck we won’t have any interaction with my family at all.”

“Aren’t you getting along better with Zoe now?”

“...We’re working on it. Doesn’t mean I want to hang out with her 24/7.” Connor paused, eyebrows furrowing. “We’d actually kill each other if we did that.” 

Evan snorted, and they started making their way over to Connor’s car. 

The car ride was comfortably quiet, the only sound being the soft music playing from the stereo. Evan wasn’t sure what it was, seemed a bit Indie if he was honest, but it was rather relaxing.

Despite the calm atmosphere, Evan felt himself growing a little nervous as they pulled up to a house that once upon a different life Evan had spent a great deal of time in. He hadn’t returned to the home since the reset, and it brought forward a weird mess of emotions as memories played through his head. Most were pleasant, but some were decidedly... not. All of them were laced through with the underlying guilt of what he had done.

He was broken out of his thoughts by tapping on his shoulder. He blinked and looked over where Connor was looking at him in concern.

“You good?” Connor questioned.

“Y-yeah, sorry. I’m good,” Evan tried to reassure. Connor didn’t buy it if his frown was anything to go by, but he let it go to Evan’s relief. They got out and Connor unlocked the front door, opening it with a flourish.

“Home sweet home”, he drawled sarcastically. 

Evan entered with trepidation, feeling as if the walls would give birth to the ghosts of his past. Looking around, he found there was very little different from when he had been there before, but that really shouldn’t have surprised him.

“Looks out of a fucking magazine, doesn’t it?” Connor commented bitingly. “Want to go to my room? There’s not much to do down here unless you want to watch television or eat some weird vegan leftovers.”

Evan supposed he couldn’t really say no, regardless of the fact the idea of being in Connor’s room made him feel all kinds of awkward. It’s not like he could say _’hey, I made out with your sister on your bed after you committed suicide in an alternate timeline and now I kinda really want to do that with you instead, minus the death part_ ’.

So he nodded, and to Connor’s room they went.  
  


* * *

  
Connor was worried. Evan had been acting... off since they got to his house. He’d been fidgety and kept getting lost in thought. At first he thought Evan was just nervous, but he was well acquainted with Evan’s ticks from nerves now, and these weren’t them. He had seemed fine at school, excited even. But then he’d gotten all quiet in the car ride and now Connor was at a loss for what to do. 

He wanted to do something to distract Evan from his thoughts, but what? He couldn’t endlessly chatter and fill the space with bubbly words like Evan could, and he wasn’t good at hosting like Zoe was. What was he good at? ( _nothing_ , the quiet voice in his head whispered.) Shaking his head slightly he refocused on Evan who was staring distantly at Connor’s bed. Connor flushed as a thought raced through his head.

NOPE, nope, nopity _nope._ Avoiding that line of thinking, no matter how good a… _distraction_ that would be. Desperately he looked around his room for something else and his eyes landed on his desk. 

Huh. That could work.

“Evan,” Connor called, and Evan snapped out of it and looked over sheepishly.

“Yes?”

“Can I paint your nails?”

Evan blinked, clearly surprised by the question. “…Do you have something besides black?” 

Connor grinned. Without a word he got up and opened a drawer on his desk and pulled out a box full of different shades. Most of them looked untouched. “Cynthia, my mom, got me these a while back in an attempt to bond or something. Most of them are a bit too cheerful for my taste, but I did appreciate the effort, so I didn’t toss them.” He plopped down and put the box in front of Evan. 

Evan took several minutes looking through and inspecting all the colors. Finally he decided on a matte, pale blue color. Connor snorted. 

“Of course you pick that color.”

“Is there a p-problem with it?” Evan pouted.

“No, it suits you,” Connor responded with a soft smile. Evan blushed and looked to the side. He shoved the bottle at Connor, who took it with a laugh. He gave it a good shake then opened it, taking the brush in one hand and gently reaching for Evan’s right hand with the other.

Something shifted as Connor carefully painted layers of soft blue onto Evan’s nails. The room felt warm, but not in a suffocating way, and when Connor glanced up he found Evan enraptured in their hands. He blushed and swallowed heavily, turning his gaze back down as he grabbed Evan’s left hand. He worked quietly, going over both hands twice with coats before capping the polish. Evan pulled his hands closer and examined them with interest. Connor watched nervously until Evan looked up with a bright smile and a blush dusting his cheeks. 

“Thank you Connor, it looks beautiful!”

It took Connor a second to remember how to breathe. He coughed and looked at his own nails. “No problem,” he mumbled. They sat in silence for a moment before Evan timidly broke it.

“S-so, uh, what do you normally d-do when you’re waiting for them to, um, dry?”

“Lay on the floor and contemplate how shitty life is.”

Evan stared at him in confused horror, looking unsure if Connor was joking or not. He wasn’t, but he wasn’t about to tell Evan that. So he barked out a laugh and smirked, which seemed to relax Evan. 

“How about we watch a movie on my laptop?” Connor offered. Evan nodded and they moved onto Connor’s bed, Connor pulling out his laptop and resting it between them. They scrolled through the movies he had downloaded onto his computer and decided on WALL-E, as Evan was horrified that Connor couldn’t remember watching it (he had been very high when he downloaded it). 

It wasn’t until about halfway through the movie that Connor realized that he and Evan had slowly migrated closer together and were now shoulder to shoulder, the laptop balanced between them. His face started to feel warm. He felt his hand twitch, almost brushing against Evan’s. Did he dare? It could make things incredibly awkward; what if it made Evan uncomfortable? True, he’d held Connor’s hand before, but that had been during a moment of emotional duress… 

Evan’s head fell on his shoulder.

Connor stopped breathing. Carefully, he angled his head just enough to see Evan out of his periphery. His heart flew to his throat as he saw the red tinging Evan’s ears as he looked resolutely forward, eyes wavering as they strained to only look at the screen in front of them. 

Fuck it.

Swallowing heavily, Connor shifted his hand and grabbed Evan’s, tentatively lacing their fingers together. He felt Evan stiffen beside him and for a horrifying split second Connor worried he read the situation wrong, but then Evan exhaled in what sounded scarily close to relief and relaxed completely against Connor. Connor felt distinctly lightheaded for the rest of the movie, barely believing this was really happening. 

As the credits rolled neither made any move to stop it or change their positions. 

“I see why you like it, it’s very _you_ ,” Connor finally said softly, afraid to break the atmosphere they had fallen into. 

“Oh? How so?” Evan questioned, equally quietly. 

“There was a lot of focus on trees.”

“Hey!” Evan laughed, lifting his head and smacking Connor’s shoulder with his free hand. Grinning now, Connor shifted to better face Evan, hands still interlaced. 

“You’re a lot like WALL-E too.”

“Oh really?” Evan questioned sardonically.

“Yup,” Connor replied, popping the ‘P’. “You’re small.”

“Oi!” 

“And dorky. Naive. Far too nice for your own good.”

“I am offended,” Evan exclaimed, struggling to hide a smile. Connor pushed on, moving closer.

“You try to do the right thing even though you are scared. You can’t see past your quirks to see how amazing and special you are…” Connor took a deep breath. “…You were able to show how there is still something good in the world to someone who had given up on ever finding it.”

By this point their faces were barely a foot away from each other, and Evan’s eyes were boring into his, trapping his gaze. 

“...Does that make you my EVE?” Evan whispered. Connor moved imperceptibly closer, mouth opening to respond. 

A loud bang echoed through the house, and they sprang apart. Rapid footsteps could be heard as someone ran up the stairs and into a room down the hall, where another door was slammed shut. 

Zoe. Connor wanted to fucking scream. Evan of course took the much kinder path. 

“D-do you th-think she’s…uh, okay? That was… I mean that s-sounded… upset,” Evan stammered, nerves returning with the broken mood and a blush found its way up his neck. Connor frowned. As pissed as he was that Zoe had ruined… _whatever_ had been happening, Evan did make a good point. It was a little early for her to be back, and Connor had been attempting to get along with her better. 

So, with a reluctant sigh he climbed off the bed and headed out, stopping outside of Zoe’s door. Evan had timidly followed after him, and made an unsure gesture towards the door when Connor shot him a helpless look. Steeling himself, Connor rapped on the door.

“Zoe?” he called. He heard muffled steps, then silence. Just as he was about to knock again the door swung open and Zoe stood there, slightly flushed and a barely restrained panic in her eyes. She smelled decidedly like alcohol. Connor blinked as he took this all in. After a few awkward minutes of silence he haltingly asked, “…You good?”

Zoe looked at him, eyes darting about as though struggling to stay focused. She looked about to say something, but then she shook her head and gave him a much more steady look, shutting something away behind her eyes. 

“Yes,” she said brusquely. Seemingly as an afterthought she added,“Thank you for asking,” before shutting the door in his face. Connor felt a sudden rage bubble in his chest before pushing it down with a harsh breath through his nose. He turned to Evan who was giving him a bewildered look. Eyes softening, Connor stepped toward him. 

“...Do you want me to give you a ride home? If Zoe is back then my parents might be back soon too.”

“...Okay,” Evan replied, though he seemed a bit disappointed. Connor felt a similar pang, but his desire to keep Evan away from his family currently overpowered his desire to keep Evan as close as possible, so he went and grabbed his keys as Evan gathered his things.

The car ride was quiet, but not uncomfortable and soon Connor was pulling up to Evan’s house. 

“Thank you Connor, I had a good time,” Evan said, unbuckling.

“I’m glad. Sorry it ended so abruptly like that.”

“It’s fine,” Evan reassured. He open the car and moved to get out, but stopped and looked back, looking like he was debating something. Just as Connor was about to ask him what was wrong all words flew from his head as Evan darted forward and placed a ghost of a kiss to his cheek. 

He stared in stunned silence as Evan darted away, rushing out of the car with a hurried “See you Monday!” and swiftly going inside. 

Connor continued to sit there staring unblinking at Evan’s door, a hand slowly drifting up to touch the spot Evan had kissed him. Then his face split into a massive grin and he let out a whoop as he sped home, flying in every sense of the word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hee Hee. I'm excited. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Any comments, critiques, or questions are welcome! See you lovelies next time! ^-^


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